Ballad of Cactus Jack

Ballad of Cactus Jack

There’s not a meaner man around
When Cactus Jack rides into town.
He has eyes of coal and hair of red;
A voice that makes men wet their bed.
Mothers cry and babies are hid
When Cactus Jack flips his lid.

Horses cringe when he walks by
I've seen grown men sit and cry.
When he raises his arm to scratch
Buzzard eggs refuse to hatch.
His face looks like cottage cheese.
And when he belches it shakes the trees.

Faster than a lightning strike,
His gun is drawn and bullets bite
Dead man count is twenty-four
Yesterday he killed two more.
Don't be foolish and get in his way
For death might find you today

Jack was born eating prickly pears
His daddy died just from his stare.
Slept in a cradle made of cactus thorns,
Cut his teeth on an old cow's horns.
At two years old he came to town
Just to have a little look around.

He beat up the Sheriff and took his gun;
Killed his first man while sucking his thumb.
If you’re a gunfighter he’s the man to beat.
They’ll cover you with a nice white sheet.
He has no fear of man or beast
But his wife is meaner to say the least

She married him when she was ten and six
And he beat her daily with an ugly stick
Till she was meaner than a rattlesnake
Now when she's mad even Jack will shake
She cooks his stew in a cast iron pan
And dishes it out with her bare hand

The moral of the story is plain to see
Jack is henpecked eternally
He made his bed and it's his alone
And his headboard is an old millstone
So he comes to town to vent his brass
'Cause his wife just kicked his sorry ass


Of course I had to write this. I'm a Texan raised on tall tales. *G* (The last two verses I am not sure I should have added.