The Insurgency of Weather

Wasn't this one of the poems you submitted in a scheduled chat?

Great use of phonetic structure at the end of line two, Jon. I see you need a bit of clean up at the begining of each line. (Microsoft Word does the same thing to me, auto capitalizes the first letter in each line, there's a box you check under the "format" tab if that's indeed the program you're using) Your rhyme scheme works fine, actually lends a melody to this that flows very well. I almost wonder, though, if the final line is just a bit impersonal. Every other line seems "owned" in one sense or another, either by you, or by the rain. Who does the strength of will in the last line belong to? You? The rain? The siren? It's probably just extremely minor nitpicking on my part, but I think that with a ten second or less edit you could really take charge of that last line. Mark W. Proverbs 27:6 "Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy."

tight, fluid, descriptive word choices. Just a couple of thoughts: *I wonder if it would be more powerful written without I/me (even though it would disrupt your meter), e.g. Smell the inquisitive rain It sounds a siren's call And probes the skin for weak resolve But clutch the damp eternity *I'm not sure about the word "stut'tring" - your rain is predatory, contemptuous, fearless (initially, at least). The hesitant quality of stuttering doesn't seem to fit it.

Great little write, and you incorporated the senses very well. My only minor nit-pick are all the 'ands' to begin the sentence. I don't think it detracts any from the poem in other people's eyes, it's just something I try not to do. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"Three things that take forever to get here: birthday, Christmas, and the pizza delivery boy." - Garfield the Cat

Well, you may have made changes since the above, but I found the read fantastically smooth, like Lindt chocky (and that's my fave). Really enjoyed it & wouldn't change a thing. Funny about the "and" beginnings, I am constantly chopping them out of mine since I joined this site, am amazed how much I write them in... I wonder what it is, a sense of wanting to include more maybe? I didn't tend to notice them so much before my work was made a tad more public. This IS a fantastic arena, even just so you look at your own work more closely, but so often other's comments are so valuable. I came to look at your work after reading a really sensible set of comments you had made elsewhere, & I am really pleased I did... will go & look at more. Cheers Anni "Out beyond the ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I will meet you there. When the soul lies down in that grass, the world is too full to talk about ideas, language, and even the phrase, "each other" doesn't make any sense."

we lived on a hill but if one lived in New Orleans well thats so much different now and we didnt live in a canyon with river like west from here Sirens I see her calling I can feel her eyes OR I can hear the electric warning in most American towns ghostly noise a terrifying racket the tall metal totems bring to life a voice that warns of immenent something I like this poem because I like rain near the end I would stand out in the dark of the big trimmed feild I could feel them out there at the edge of the forest watching me with their eyes that could see through dark I worshipped the rain the only time I feel alive the only time I dont dream my soul settles down to sleep forever in rains