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S
Shadowteller
Jan 30, 2009 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Mind Tripper

It slithers and climbs

With hideous rhymes

It holds you close

As you close your eyes

 

It’s simple and clean

With a shiny sheen

Picks on your ribs

As it reveals your lies

 

Never look back

Never go in

One sleep with it

Your covered in flies

 

It’ll lick you

To taste you

And stares in your eyes

As it sings those hideous rhymes


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Country/Region: CAN

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Comments

I

Ink Dragon

17 years 3 months ago

Shadowteller,

sorry, but I had some trouble with this stanza: "Never look back Never go in One sleep with it Your covered in flies". But I did like the title. Do you think you can do something about the third stanza? Yours, ~Nina
S

Shadowteller

17 years 3 months ago

I'm not surprised

that you had found something off in the poem. I had written this poem a fews years ago, and while I was posting it, I noticed something off and inconsistent. I ended up changing the creature from an "it" to a "he" by the third and fourth stanzas. "One sleep with it" was originally "One sleep with him" I didn't want the creature to have a gender. Personally, I like the third stanza and the elements that are in it. Though I have no problem correcting the stanza, but it will take some time. Do you have any suggestions? I'd appreciate to hear them if you do.
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 3 months ago

Shadowteller...

Hi, I liked your little poem and the flow of it... with that being said, I had no idea what "it" was until I read your comment to Nina... your covered in flies... you're covered in flies... Richard
Electric Blue

Electric Blue

17 years 3 months ago

Mind Tripper

hello Shadowteller We keep missing each other as we are in the same place but maybe it is because of the dark. We are in the shadows my friend. I like your style and content, you make me feel at home. Electric blue
S

Shadowteller

17 years 3 months ago

Perhaps

we'll stumble into each other. Good to see that you feel at home in my nightmare ;) I'd lend you a chair, but I wouldn't want you to hurt yourself in finding it. "Welcome to my nightmare" - Alice Cooper