Wicked Lightning

a really good pace and poetic language here, it harkens back to some of the classic writers of the nineteenth century. After about two stanzas it does tend to get bogged down in spots, perhaps something to help the "flow" skip in a spot or two might be helpful. You stayed on target really well, I mean super well, even to the point of being on a single track. The poem is good, has great emotion, but I almost wonder if it needs a little color. It's like looking at a painting where there's brown soil, with a red wagon in the front, and an auburn sky. Sure, the artist made a beautiful, technically perfect painting, but a little splash of blue or yellow somewhere on the canvas might do wonders. Good first post, welcome to neopoet! Mark W. I like Cal and his dog Napalm I like Ike and his itty-bitty A-bomb everybody got one, I want mine you can order it up on Channel Nine. ~From "Doctor Jeep" by The Sisters of Mercy

This is a very good start and I'd like to welcome you to Neopoet. We are primarily a workshop environment and each try to improve and help others improve. That said and since you have a very good start here we will get down to business. Since you checked the knock you on your back I am assuming you want good critique and willing to handle it. *G* Mark above gave some good pointers and I will offer some more. Blow I have listed some spots that need work. In parentheses you will find (suggestions) and understand, they are only that and it is up to you to use, discard or develop improvements that will suit you. So here we go.... Lightening burns the far horizon. (didn't you mean lightning?) Acting its’ own trial, judge and jury. (try this--Acting as it's own judge, jury and executioner) Bound to releasing all its tension, (possibly this--Intent on releasing its tension) This stanza bothers me as it doesn't seem quite there. possibly re-think it. Its’ stealth approaches nearer, (Angrily, it darts about) As if a planned attack, (As if planning it's attack) It strikes again with ferocity; (Then strikes and strikes ferocity unleashed) Rippled ranting reverberate in black.(Ripping, ranting, reverberating in black) As all its anguish drains, (As all its anguished fury abates) I hope this will give you some ideas and you take them in the sense they are meant, as an aid and a pointer and not an attack. You have a good start and I really think you can do wonderfully! Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water."

Very good start. I love thunderstorms and heat lightning. I agree with Rett on most points. I, however, like the line "Its’ stealth approaches nearer," to me it reminds me of the storm stalking its prey as it closes in on it maybe "stealth" give the impression that is throwing off Rett. If I were to change this line, I would change stealth - maybe use "eye"? I can't wait to read more poetry on this subject. You capture the concept well. Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink

Permit me to welcome you to neo poet . You will be meeting some fine helpful writers here That being said I cannot add anymore that has already been stated. They are all excellent suggestions Perhaps read the poem aloud with the suggestions given and see how it sounds to you I do agree with Mark in that it needs more color and his analogy is spot on I am seeing a great potential in your work I look forward to reading more Chrys

Tonya, I see you've already received some great advice and suggestions. Rett is a great help with rhyming poetry - as you probably remember, it isn't exactly my forte. :) There is one punctuation mistake that immediately caught my eye and is very common, even among the best. The possessive is "Its" without an apostrophe. I'm actually a bit surprised someone (Rett! lol) hasn't already mentioned it. Welcome to the site. Get more of your work up here (one per day, of course)! ~ Ronda

Missed this one. Like it a lot. Title is good - it sticking in the mind rhyming is good - to me anyway, cuz I'm not a good rhymer yet I like the flow of the poem very much, it's real smooth, except for last line of 4th stanza, try "reverberates" instead..."s"s are tricky, they trip me up all the time! I love the theme - I am a confirmed storm-lover, I'll stand outside in it and be terrified, its great! The first line is great, opens up the vista right away the last line - last two lines - are memorable! I love that imagery, the evocation of smell and anger and victims all rolled in together. Really good. and welcome to the madhous- errr, I mean Neopoet! Heehee. Respectfully, Jim