Song Of Mortals

shattered smoothness
quiet liquid taste
of dark
in cold

light fades from closing eyes
upon the edge

lamented by
a moan of wind
upon the rim
of darkened lands

light fades from closing eyes
upon the edge

rich barrenness
flows across an ache
of isolated love
against a hint of bitterness

light fades from closing eyes
upon the edge

on warm night wings
of endless suns
made pinpricks by the spread
of darkened lands

light fades from closing eyes
upon the edge

death grows desolation
blood of life
paling into
dust of nothingness

light fades from closing eyes
upon the edge

— Race_9togo, Jan 17, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

Critiques

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

Jim,

I can´t believe that nobody has commented on this one yet! It reads like a song, especially with the refrain line. A great write, ~Nina

Race_9togo

17 years 4 months ago

Thanks Nina

Stream of consciousness battered into a song while trying something different in writing Glad you enjoyed it Respectfully Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

17 years 4 months ago

Song Of Mortals

Jim I enjoyed this one, as did Nina. As I read it, I felt that the line: "upon the edge" could use an added word. [To convey the poem more] Now, this could be just me~What do you think? _____________________________ To write a touching poem, you must gently stir the soul, if it brings forth tears or smiles, then the story was beautifully told. ________Janice Pearce_________

Race_9togo

17 years 4 months ago

hmm

Gotta think about that some. The original refrain was "light fades from closing eyes upon the edge of death" I started with that, then wrote the rest around it; something that I find myself doing more and more. I cut "of death" out to deepen the sense of mystery, instead of being so pointed. When I did I found that each verse coming after also fit better with the refrain, sometimes even becoming a part of it. So, I'm in two minds about this. What word did you have in mind? Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Janice Pearce

17 years 4 months ago

Jim

I know the feeling! I've been there too. I thought of darkened, but that is in line 10 bitter and cutting, I think are over used. Maybe dreamers or falling? In any event, I still enjoyed it~ _____________________________ To write a touching poem, you must gently stir the soul, if it brings forth tears or smiles, then the story was beautifully told. ________Janice Pearce_________

Race_9togo

17 years 4 months ago

You know Janice

I went back over it several times, and I think I'm going to leave it as is. It just seems to tie everything together better for me, and after reading Ed's comment I realized that it cycles back in to the moment, making each verse its own distinct piece of time. But you sure did make me wonder! Thanks you for you criticism, it is much appreciated. Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 4 months ago

Jim,

I love that this line repeated: "light fades from closing eyes upon the edge." it kept bring me back to a start of an end! Very melodic write, truly enjoyable!! thanks, Eddie

Race_9togo

17 years 4 months ago

Thanks Ed

I've been experimenting with repetition lately, and I liked that line so I wrote the rest around it, then edited the line...and now I've just realized that it holds all of the verses to the same moment of time! Go figure. An accident that worked! Some of those verses really are what death is like, to me anyway. Glad you enjoyed it so much. Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Race_9togo

17 years 4 months ago

Thanks Kelsey

Yes, I decided to leave it alone, after much thought, and trying different added words. Gald you enjoyed it! Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race