A selection box

A selection of Limericks



When a schoolteacher’s got halitosis

What his pupils fear most when he’s close is

That the smell of his breath

It could choke them to death

And bring about chronic necrosis
.

When the vicar came round here for cake

He thought that a pee he would take

Not seeing the seat

He pee’d on his feet

And stood in a small urine lake
.

When Jesus was up on his cross

He said, “I’m at such a loss

I told folk to be good

And I thought that they would

Just wait until I see the Boss”
.

A policeman while pounding his beat

Had a problem with both of his feet

He had him a bunion

The size of an onion

And removing his boots worked a treat
.

A man went to look for some work

Unemployment was beginning to irk

Said “I’ll do any job

For a couple of bob

For I have no desire to shirk”
.

A vagrant while rifling a bin

Slipped and then promptly fell in

Was it a fluke

That he landed in puke

Well, to waste it would be such a sin

A gentleman used to go swimming

Just so he could ogle the women

In his tight bathing suit

He thought he looked cute

But all of the women were grinning
.

A baby crawled over the rug

And picked up a nice juicy bug

Not liking the taste

Disgorged it in haste

Then cried to his mum for a hug
.

A couple were taking a bath

And the gentleman just for a laugh

Spread his cheeks wide apart

And released a loud fart

And made his poor wife nearly barf
.

A young lady still in her teens

Purchased a new pair of jeans

The jeans were too tight

And try as she might

She couldn’t help busting the seams