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Of moments

do you remember the snow-bound nights
when the flakes wandered the skies
like shallow doves
and you seemed, just like them,
overwhelmed with dreams?
my eye's darkness gazed upon you
from its two black circles
stranded in the snow of the flesh
do you remember the white nights
when the gloom slept in sleet
and I rested, just like it, in your thoughts?
our legs and arms reached to our hearts
chasing on the vastitude of a mattress
the fluff and the innocence we have forgotten...
do you remember the night
when I swallowed the stars
and myriads of angels
were washed out on your livid breasts?
— Unlight, Dec 30, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: Romania

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Critiques

D

DarkinAZ

17 years 5 months ago

I give this a 3 star...

The content of the write is superb, I love it. However Unlight, you have been here for a bit, now I know I have told others I am not concerned as much with the typos as I am the heart of the write, the core.... but c'mon man. Your lack of correct capitalization just makes a flawless poem look like an old trapper keeper rant. Surely someone who writes as well as you will make the proper corrections, and be proud, of a great submission. Mayne you were just tired? Sincerely, -DarkinAz-
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 5 months ago

Capitalization is not the

Capitalization is not the most important aspect of the poem, however, it was very important for the classics. Nowadays poetry and people have evolved, thus we can see the essence beyond the shallow appearance. Greetings!
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

unlight,

quite apart from the capitalization issue, there´s a little typo again in l.9. Maybe it would be a good idea to type your poems in word, then copy and paste into the "submit poem"-form? Just suggesting, Ink P.S.I don´t think three stars are enough for this one...
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 5 months ago

I did exactly what you said

I did exactly what you said in your comment, but there is always a little typo... I shall be more careful in the future. Cheers!
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 5 months ago

Unlight...

a magical piece... of moments remembered... just one thought on the use of caps... in the right place they help the reader carry the flow directed by the writer... mattress was spelled wrong... and the sentence directly after seemed to me to need something... maybe.. with the fluff and innocence we have forgotten... same amount of syllables... but it is a very good poem as it is... enjoyed the read Richard
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 5 months ago

Thanks for pointing out that

Thanks for pointing out that typo. If you will read the text again you will find that "on the vastitude of a mattress, we are chasing THE fluff and the innocence we have forgotten". So that your version does not match with the meaning I chose to express. Greetings!
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 5 months ago

Unlight...

Yes... I took that into consideration before posting my comment... and I am often wrong... but I did read the text... and saw it both ways before commenting... thank you for your response! Richard
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 5 months ago

ah, I finally understand why some people take exception to you!

Even when you accept critisism and make changes you repost anew, so there are no "Revisions" apparent. It makes you look arrogant. Hey, I am not suggesting you change your practice, only realising why some petulant arsehole may have been downvoting you. Nor excusing them. Your poetry is near immaculate at first presentation, it would stir envy in any poet, but to see valid crit apparently ignored could reduce a miserly soul to vindictive level. I loved this poem, it stirred me deeply. cheers, Jess
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 5 months ago

Jess, I do not repost my

Jess, I do not repost my poems. I just correct the errors through "edit" and "submit". Even if I were arrogant, people shouldn't vote my character, but what I write... Cheers!
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

Sorry to butt in,

Ionut, you really seem arrogant at times, I noticed it, too. Jess is right in this. I know you are not really arrogant, but I can understand how some people would think it of you. Nobody should be voting someone else´s character, of course, as well as nobody should be voting on the basis of not being into this kind of poetry or subject. Ionut, I started a crusade on your behalf, Jess is only trying to help. Ink
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 5 months ago

I know Jess is trying to

I know Jess is trying to help, and I appreciate that. Maybe my frankness makes my responses a bit cold, but I do appreciate when a person is trying to help me. Nina, Jess, thank you for your help! Sincerely, Ionut
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

No need to thank me once again,

you already did so by pm, hell, it´s not as if I see you as arrogant, you´re more let´s-get-down-to-business-ish as I see it. I find this refreshing. I repeat: You´re very welcome!