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The Mussel Picker's Tale

if you have the precious time take enough to read my rhyme for if you do, then you will see a place close-hearted in my memory. a crescent beach of golden sand slopes gently from an emerald land to kiss a quiet sunlit sea where soaring gulls cry plaintively. on that lonely beach there stands a ruined castle that commands a slender strait of still water dividing one land from another Across that narrow gleam of sea there lies an island thick with trees where stillness broods and darkness weaves a hush of watchful mystery. when I was there one summer morn picking mussels from blue ocean, I looked up from my work to see a young woman standing over me. fiery hair and emerald eye lissome form and lovely smile she greeted me, and shyly asked if she could have some of my catch. she offered pay for what I had I shrugged and said I would be glad to let her have as many of my mussels she could carry off. she smiled thanks and with her skirt she formed a pouch in which I put a good large portion of my catch from my overflowing canvas bag. and when her skirts were brimming full she coyly asked for just one more I looked down in the bag for one: when I looked up, I was alone. then I fled in fear, having found not a single footprint around the sand where she and I had met nor any hint she'd come and left. but later when I pulled my catch from beached row-boat I split the bag and on the spill of mussels found a single solid silver crown. I've gone back many times since then to pick mussels, each time remembering to leave a portion of what I take for a lovely unseen red-haired maiden, just in case.
— Race_9togo, Dec 28, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Earth Vicinity (within a five light-year radius), ZZC

Favorite Poets: John Donne, T.S. Eliot, Serendipity, Emily Dickenson, Kailashana, Charles Bukowski, Kabir, Rett, Dalton, W. B. Yeats, William Blake, Rainer Maria Rilke, and many other Neopoet poets; Neopoet has heavily influenced my poetry and my ability to write it well.

More from this author

Critiques

Rett

Rett

17 years 5 months ago

Race, I loved the story

It was very good and quite mesmerizing. I would give it more work though and I am sure you can manage. The first part flowed and rhymed beautifully until it reached this stanza. on that lonely beach there stands a ruined castle that commands a narrow strip of blue-green water that separates one land from another. Then from approximately here on down it lost the rhyme scheme and also the continuity of the stanzas with one being longer than the rest, I was there one summer morning picking mussels at the brink of ocean when I looked up from my work to see a young woman standing over me. You'd think with those comments I would lose interest but I didn't. It is a beautifully woven tale and could be much better if worked on some more. Respectfully, Rett: "It’s impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside." Purplemoondoll
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

17 years 5 months ago

Rett...

Thanks very much for your criticism. I tried to tighten things up as much as possible, but I don't know if I got it right or not. Rhyme is very difficult for me - I have to beat it over the head with a stick, chop it into bits, sew it back together, then start all over again! But seriously, I think it is better. I left the 4th verse alone, though. It seems a bit long to me, but I like the imagery, and couldn't find anything to replace it with. That's just me; the place is a real one, and does feel exactly like that, dark and strange and watchful. Also, I left the last verse's meter alone, although I did change the content slightly. It's in my mind that with this poem, the last verse should somehow break the flow a little, to leave the reader with an aftertaste that's different enough from the other verses of the poem to make them remember it. Should I re-write it, or leave it alone? Respectfully, Jim "Judge Not, Lest Ye Yeeselves Be Judged": God
Rett

Rett

17 years 5 months ago

Jim

That is a good choice. Take advice, but make the decisions yourself. Each of us has a different outlook on what a poem should read like. My style and ideas may not fit yours exactly. Take what you can learn and then decide on the changes you want to make yourself. The decision to rewrite or leave alone is yours. I like the poem as is, I was just showing what (I) would do if it was mine. *G* But I have a different style than you. Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water."
Race_9togo

Race_9togo

17 years 5 months ago

Thanks Rett

Yes, I guess you're right. Respectfully, Jim P.S. I tried walking on water once...almost drowned! "Judge Not, Lest Ye Yeeselves Be Judged": God