SNOW WHITE

I feel like Snow White,
waiting for the kiss of life.
It's been so long,
so long to even care.

I lie awake at night,
swallowed by empty.
I know I shouldn't dwell,
but how can I not.

Is it only me,
not to be in love.
The men past,
told me not to fall.

I ask my friends,
what is it like.
Their reply,
floating on a cloud.

I ask for that cloud,
get nothing after goosebumps.
Enveloped in the arms,
someone I could love.

I don't want to go,
all soft and gooey.
But I've been like Snow White,
waiting for the kiss of life.

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: AUS

Comments

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

fm1962,

I don´t think we´ve met before, so first of all let me say "Nice to meet you!" There are a few rough patches in this piece, so I am not going to rate it yet. May I suggest substituting "too long" for "so long"(l.4) and "emptiness" for "empty" (l.6). I think I have also spotted some redundant commas, but I´ll leave it to you to decide whether or not they are needed. With poetic regards, Ink Dragon

Fleur MacDonald

17 years 4 months ago

This poem started out as

This poem started out as lyrics for a song and still may end up being sung, odd wording seems to work best for my songs and I feel comfortable to use them as poems. Thanks for the feedback and nice to meet you Fleur

Robert Melliard

17 years 4 months ago

What's wrong with singles sites?

Perhaps there should be question mark after 'love'(second line, third stanza) and I'm not sure if you meant to write 'past' or 'passed' in the next line, but for me the important point you make comes in the note at the end about singles sites. At present I am very, very married so I don't think I'll ever need to use one of those sites, but if were single I think I might give them a try. After all, you can probably gather more information from reading someone's profile and looking at their photograph and exchanging emails with them than if you just see them standing in a bar or wherever. It might be more romantic to meet under the moonlight somewhere but let's face it, that's unlikely to ever happen. Now with the internet their are millions of lonely men all over the planet dying to meet a woman and there must surely be someone for everyone when there's so much availability. I have a friend (a widower) who has the same attitude as you (about singles sites). The only problem is that he lives in Spain, so there's not much point in me introducing you to him. Best Wishes, Robert. P.S. I have a niece who seems to have found the young man of her life thanks to the internet.

Fleur MacDonald

17 years 4 months ago

Every word I meant!

This poem started out as lyrics for a song and still may end up being sung, odd wording seems to work best for my songs and I feel comfortable to use them as poems. There is nothing wrong with singles sites, I'm just a bit wary, some of my friends have had bad experiences with them that's all and I don't have the wrong attitude. Maybe down the track I'll look into them. I am a firm believer in trying something new at least once. By the way nice to meet you Robert. Fleur

weirdelf

17 years 4 months ago

I like this poem,

a good "Aussie" poem, straightforward and honest. But it could be better. Consider the suggestions people make, Ink Dragon really knows her stuff, as do many on this site. Remember Neopoet is not a publishing site, it is a poetry workshop, we are here to get better. I am at last coming to terms with "balanced batchelorhood" after too many decades of loving rampantly, deeply, truly, often unwisely. Still the right one may cross my path. cheers, Jess "Who are you writing for?"

Linda Moses

17 years 4 months ago

Fleur

Enjoyed your Snow White. Who knows, your Prince could be just around the corner. Sincerely, Linda