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T
Tink
Dec 12, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Beyond

Beyond

What lies beyond the shadows?

I cannot quite tell.

I can't get my feet to move

Maybe it's just as well.

It's not a place I want to dwell.

 

The darkness is growing larger

It’s taking up more space.

I feel so insignificant

In this big fat rat race.

There’s no where to hide my face.

 

There’s no way to see what’s lurking

I cannot quiet my fears

The whimpers are getting louder

I can almost see the leers

I cannot stop my tears.

 

           Written by:  Tink  12/12/08 2:01pm

— Tink, Dec 12, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Pennsylvania, USA

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Critiques

N

Notso

17 years 5 months ago

small change

first line second stanza The darkness is grower larger...........The darkness, it grows larger or The darkness is growing larger... A different style for you. Fear of the unknown inhibits all "Could you be there hiding in the shadows or could it just be me" Notso
T

Tink

17 years 5 months ago

Thanks Notso

I had the first verse in a notebook all alone. Today when i revisited it, the rest came out. No idea where it came from, it suddenly appeared. Thank you for the corrections, i made them. this almost seems to be unfinished to me, but i'm not sure. ps if its me in the shadows, i'm a little frightened. if it is you in the shadows - i'm not worried! lol! Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink
T

Tink

17 years 5 months ago

Thank you Debbie

I'm glad you liked it. This is different than "how" or "what" I usually write. I truly don't know where it came from within. Thank you for taking the time to read. Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 5 months ago

nice write

I am not certain of your theme. the logic from top to bottom seem to change. your wording is very good. Respectfully Yours, Barbara
T

Tink

17 years 5 months ago

Barbara,

Thanks for reading. To be honest, I'm not sure of the theme or logic either. I had the first verse written and left in a notebook. While flipping through the notebook, I stopped here and the rest just came to be. Wasn't particularly "down" or "upset" about anything at the time. I really don't know. One of my weaknesses is vocabulary, I seem to write "simple". I've been paying particular attention to expanding my vocabulary. I think it's working. Thank you for the comment. Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink
M

muttering_madwoman

17 years 5 months ago

hmmm

quite different for you, eh? good way of expressing the sensation we call dread. excellent job, lady. a new view from you. n
T

Tink

17 years 5 months ago

yeah,

very different for me, who'da thought I could do it, huh?!? I'm trying to expand my vocabulary and subject matter. Thank you. Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

Hello, dearest Tink,

I love all the words and lines in this one, only I feel they might be even stronger if you rearranged some of them. My suggestion would be to remove ll. 4,10&15 and fashion them into an independent stanza. Might contribute to more consistency in your logic. With respect and affection, Ink
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 5 months ago

this is different

and as it stands has a certain naiete that belies the seriousness of the thought. This can work both ways- either decreasing its seriousness or increasing the impact by lowering the readers guard. Your choice, a tweak either way will ensure your intentions. e.g changing "big fat rat race" would reduce naivete ound. I tried Ink's suggestion in Word and it is really worth looking at. The existing triple rhyme is also a bit whimsical sounding. cheers, Jess "They that give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" Benjamin Franklin.
MK

miss kristale

17 years 5 months ago

my past is full of darkness

my past is full of darkness and sometimes it likes to overwhelm me and i cry but then i always remember that im living in the light now so it kinda helps me move on