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The memories of a seclusive star

I lie on the back of the austere space
with my face stooped
at those who didn’t know how to swim
in their inner tears

pity the clear days
whereby the Cosmos seemed
a little canvas...

so many voices I can hear from below
and many other kinds
nursing at the truth’s warmth
with small delights
vestured in cold idols

here I must wait in silence
and observe their saintliness
when the weak manners
found themselves a roof
under human perceptions

the empty words in which they believe
have no virtue in deserted heights
and listen carefully, my child,
they will always live to forget their death

love is not what it used to be
at a simple glance
just looking at the beauty’s thighs
I can see nothing but
an ordinary walk to nowhere

often they cry on my imaginary shoulder
many of them blaspheme my eyes
until their flicker shall remain
a flame in the eternal silence
deluding the wind

I am not your redeemer
and wouldn’t want to be
for in the nearest thought
I could be as far
as forgotten waves

my remorse remains in vain
like all it has been thread with rawness
on their fragile hearts
by the years that flew in dreams
with glacial wings
— Unlight, Dec 09, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: Romania

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Critiques

ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 6 months ago

Your imagery is great

as always. Very powerfully written. Do I dare to draw your attention to l.3 though? Oops, it would seem I have already done so. I think that the reference of that "who" is a little unclear. With all due respect, ID
Unlight

Unlight

17 years 6 months ago

ID, thank you. “that world

ID, thank you. "that world who didn’t know..." I don't know what is so unclear. It worked better "that world WHICH didn’t know"? With respect, Ionut
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 6 months ago

Usually

"that world" would be referred to as "that", but this sounds really crappy. Can´t see "that world/that" as an improvement. When I first read this, I was thinking: Is "who" meant to refer to "that world" or to those who "in their inner tears/pity those azure days"? Does that help you to pin my problem with that line down? Poetic Regards, ID
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 6 months ago

Reference is clear now

but "the people" seems a little bulky to me. Kind of breaks the flow. How about "those who"? Respectfully, ID
ID

Ink Dragon

17 years 6 months ago

You´re very welcome

Sometimes the ink in a quill clogs up like the blood in the veins does before a stroke... has happened to me, too, and there was always someone to get me out of that cul-de-sac... Cheers, ID