Dying love (part 2 in a series of 4 poems)

Very well written, ID! The idea of the first line is particulary strong.

Wow that's dark.... and deep... thoroughly deserving of a re-read. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- - "Does Rudolph fail the safety inspection if his nose is burnt out? And where does he go? I don't think he'd fit in the bay at the Jiffy Lube." Happy holidays, y'all!

and i didn't think anyone understood why "all of the sudden" it was over for me with no chance in hell of being worked out. i really enjoyed this piece. well written. thank you for sharing it. Live, Laugh and Love (and don't forget to write) Tink

Taking back the power. I've only just begun to do this, eight years after my divorce (which is a separate story from my current series of poems). I applaud you for showing your strength, my friend. This is also an excellent write. Great work! ~ Ronda

Excellent piece you written. I think you have to experience something like this to be able to write about it so well.

... wonderful. your newer pieces are so much more emotional than your older ones. ist da wohl eine mauer gebröckelt?? I love how you've grown as a poet over the last years, my sweet spitter of flames! kata

O my.... you have such a gift of presence...or is that absence? ;-) ~A "Speech is blasphemy. Silence a lie. Above speech and silence is a way out." I-tuan.

This is a great write ID! The second stanza really hits home for me. Powerful & courageous! This 'symbolic' death I found quite emotional ~Stella

LOL Well, I'd say a promise ; ) I mean, anyone taking the time to read some of my stuff.. that's hugely appreciated! ~Stella

I have gone over your poem very closely. You have a very analytical mind. Your poem is very good. Most of my comments will deal with areas where improvement can be debated. You have fashioned a poem which reaches the universal. Its theme is the death of attraction leading to the choice to end love. So you have a natural audience in all those who have lost trust or otherwise decided to end their investment in a love story. You have the problem that you must not rest on this natural audience's interest. I would warrant that you are still close to the underlying feelings, which are normally aggressive. Perhaps this leads to the capitalization. For the very same reasons, I would loose the capitals and make everything lower case. The understatement should increase the fury and emphasize the suicide of love. Its that paradox rule at work. Basically, what is inhibiting this poem a bit is the use of a some unnecessary repetition and one or two un-invigorating metaphors. Both ends were burning [wax is soon arriving; no need for candle here, and the change adds word play, one way or another avoid the repetition in this stanza] My love for you dripped Onto the floor Like melting wax As every protective layer I had so carefully fashioned Around my core Was being peared away [from pearing knife, which is used on cores and skins: peeled seems too common; + "peared" gives word play] The fiercely flaring wick Scorched your tender skin In the process of consuming Every ounce of my mercy Until you, on your knees Crying Finally realized The havoc you wrought [don't need "had", wrought is a verb, past tense and dropping had lets "wrought" almost stand as a name.] Regrets are barren [futile is a bit Darth Vader; you can use present tense for a rule] I was beyond [or use a regrets semi-synonym: that land, you, etc.] Beyond mercy Beyond you [save the hammer on love until the last stanza] All reduced To frail shadows Barely recognizable In the blood-red glare When the flames died with a desperate flicker [again a bit stereotypical. Try whimpered, choked off, lost oxygen, etc. Personally, not keen about “desperate flicker”. My love for you Committed suicide I buried it in unconsecrated earth I do hope that there is something here that you find useful. It was a pleasure to review the poem closely. You are a good head, Nina. Brian