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Reflecting on mermaids

Celestial sound from crimson lips beneath soft tufts of wet hair
mother of pearl fins flash beneath rosy nipples
Webbed hands, so delicate, wave from the waves' crest
beckoning for him to dive in
A yearning is unleashed in the sailor's chest
or is it a little more south where something stirs?

Beware, oh sailor, of the longing in your loins
Possession of these ethereal bodies comes at a price
for who would willingly kiss a creature half woman half fish?

Mermaids dwell in the depths where the waters are cold
In the dark they sing their inaudible songs, they dance their invisible dance

They surface to provoke a storm, to capture some unsuspecting sailor
They sink their talons into his flesh and feast on him

Mermaids are not gorgeous but garish
mermaids are not graceful but gruesome

Avert your eyes, sailor
before you are sucked in
and spat out again
bone by bloody bone
 

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RSScheerer

RSScheerer

17 years 5 months ago

Reflecting on mermaids

Jess is correct, you know. Your work is very provocative. It is what has always drawn me to your words. Once again, there are a couple of words that I think could be stronger with a different choice (and wouldn't you be surprised if I didn't? lol). This piece has such a rich darkness to it that language usage easily affects it. Even "poor sailor" seems like it could be strengthened by an alternate adjective for "poor." The one that really snagged me was "cute," though. I'm not sure anyone considers mermaids cute ... beautiful, mysterious, enigmatic, magical .... but not cute. "Gorgeous" works, but again, it doesn't seem to fit with the dark nature here, the extremes between what mermaids are and are not - if you see what I mean. As always, opinions given with care and respect. love ~ Ronda
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

As always

I promise to think it over. The adjective "cute" was intended to refer to the Disney-version of mermaids, by the way. Thanks for your thoughtful comments- all of them- you have done me many a favour by pointing out the weaker points in some of my pieces. Keep harassing me with every tiny thing you do not like about them! It really helps. Love, ID
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

Hm

what do you think about "unsuspecting sailor"? Please let me know. Still pondering your other suggestions, ID
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

17 years 5 months ago

I like it

"unsuspecting" is good - fits with the idea that they expect a mermaid to be something she is not. ~ Ronda
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Nature Mithya

17 years 5 months ago

Firstly I would never want my mermaids to suffer cold

Moreover for me mermaids are beautiful like the dolphins who protect rather than kill for food. Considering the dark side would it matter for men to fall in love with them ? Lol I wonder, I would still try to see one maybe from a protected distance. True you can say men are fools.
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

Interesting

how everybody finds something different in a poem. I hadn´t realised before that one could read it that way. But men tend to be fools sometimes, it´s true. However, I do think the same can be said of women. Thanks for reading, ID
L

leonard daranjo

17 years 5 months ago

Creative Thinking

Never thought of mermaids this way but I love the images you have conjured up. An interesting piece. Leonard
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Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

I have a restless mind

once I start pondering on a thing, my mind kind of switches on an autopilot... Thanks for reading, ID
Rett

Rett

17 years 5 months ago

I like this a lot

Never understood why someone would be attracted to a fish with breasts. Good write. I like Marion Zimmer Bradley's Darkover series a lot Well done. Respectfully, Rett: "I once had a handle on life, but it broke." Rett
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Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

hey

at last someone who knows the short story read this! I knew there would be someone out there who likes Darkover, too. Thanks a lot! ID
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 5 months ago

Hi Ink Dragon...

Mermaids... we are always shown them to be beautiful, alluring creatures... but come to think of it, I've never seen a fish I wanted to kiss... and fish stink too, imagine how one of them mermaids could be smelling.... oooooh! I liked your poke at the mermaid fantasy.... well done! Richard
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Ink Dragon

17 years 5 months ago

You are soo right

about the smell...I hadn´t actually taken this into consideration. Thanks for reading, ID
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

17 years 4 months ago

deep waters...

you know how much I love this poem and the darkness that comes out of it. but I also think that the word "cute" is too fragile (in comparison to the others). I feel that it might weaken the rest of the strong imagery. on the other hand, I can't think of a word that fits, maybe "kind", then you still have eine Ton-Alliteration. ? . love the piece anyway, great idea, beautifully written... as always... love, Proprietress
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Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

Did you have to say that?

I feel simply unable to come up with a suitable alternative for "cute". I am loath to let the alliteration go... And now both you and Ronda suggest changing it?! I´ll really have to find something soon, Ink
Proprietress of Crimson Hearts

Proprietress o…

17 years 4 months ago

I know...

what you mean about the alliteration. if the piece does not want to be changed, then it shouldn't be. if you can't let the alliteration go, then don't! you know what is best for your creation, I love it all the same, you know that...
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

17 years 4 months ago

Trying to hold on to your alliteration

"compassionate" works with cruel "dainty but depraved" Looking at different ways, since you want that alliteration there. It's either find another word for "cute," lose the alliteration, or try a different phrase and retain the alliteration. Any new ideas? ~ Ronda
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

Thank you, Ronda, and you, Kata,

I have arrived at the point where I think "cute" must be changed, but still I have not been able to come up with the right word. I flatly refuse throwing out "cruel", so maybe I will have to chop off the alliteration after all... Thinking hard, Ink
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

It´s definitely a thought

but somehow, I associate "celestial" with angels rather than mermaids... I´ll give it some more thought... Thanks, Ink
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

I think I may have arrived

at a solution. It´s "graceful but gruesome" now. I´m still looking for another adjective with "g" to replace "hideous", but that might just be overkill... Thank you all for your thoughts and comments, Ink
I

Ink Dragon

17 years 4 months ago

Ok, all,

I´ve found my adjective. And I found that mermaids are, in fact, gaudy gadoids gangling gracelessly, gauche garfish glutting gobbets gloatingly, garrulous gasbags gargling ghastly, ganoid gluttons gnashing gallivantingly. But you may also call them gallimanfries or galantine. Feeling giddy at the sight of all the "g"s, Ink
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

17 years 4 months ago

*dies laughing*

Ink......step away from the alliteration....that's it.....slowly now..... Giddy indeed! *LOL* ~ Ronda
Tam the Chanter

Tam the Chanter

16 years 9 months ago

Fish

Liked the poem, a new take on the little mermaid story. Vampire mermaids! A whole new genre opens before you . What man could resist those vital statistics of 36 - 24 - $4 a pound. Good read Kindest regards Ian
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Ink Dragon

16 years 9 months ago

Ian,

I'm laughing out loud at your "36-24-4$ a pound". What a way to start my day! Thanks, ~Nina
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Ink Dragon

16 years 9 months ago

Hi green eyes,

glad you liked this darkish little write. I swear I'll get round to your stuff today, been meaning to read you for ages, but somehow got sidetracked every time I logged on, sorry. Yours, ~Nina
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

yet I never commented

how strange. Provoking sure, but you never got to the gritty reality of mermaid beauty. Mermaids are the unattainable for men repressed by christian theology and mysogyny. Cunts supposedly smell fishy. Go near them and you will drown. Fuck me dead! I really hate the monotheistic middle eastern religions, judaism, christianity and islam, they all suck with regards to women. They all depend on original sin. they make their own hell. Unfortunately they make it for others too. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 4 months ago

not sure

on the one hand the myth probably originates from sex starved sailors sighting narwhals at a distance, in which case if they did try to kiss them they almost certainly did meet an icky, gruesome end! On the other hand mermaids reputation have suffered from the malignity assigned to women in general by the church. If you want to run with the mythical some redemption could be in order [smiles] Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
O

orgami

16 years 4 months ago

Sirens on the rocks

now being a starving sailor I'll take double on the rocks~ right after driving the frigate in a fatal rupture on jagged immenense Oh such power the beauties in their slippery allure the power of their sea spun voices crying eagerly over the dash of waves Dive Dive the deep and for the moment the eccentric curve of scales and flesh and of course the ultimate demise after the baptise Im certian there is somewhere a latin term for Mermaid
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Ink Dragon

16 years 4 months ago

Jess, I guess we should ask O to write

a poem on the beauty of mermaids :) But seriously, I will give it some thought and may come up with more mermaid poems. Guess I could write a mermaid cycle and title it "reflecting on mermaids", the poem that already is here could be the conclusion. Thanks, O and Jess, for food for thought. Yours, ~Nina
kaligantsaros

kaligantsaros

16 years 4 months ago

Definetly a woman's take on mermaids..

Mired in feminine resentment and not as lyrical or thought out as virtually all of your other work. This definitely makes a woman of you and makes me like you even more. Juxtapose with male poets take on the subject for a deep insight into male dreaming. Kal
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 3 months ago

I surrender!

I will definitely have to do a complete rewrite! Thanks, Theo, a good bashing for lazy writing is always a wake up call. Yours, ~Nina
I

Ink Dragon

16 years 3 months ago

I assume

that this means it works... Any rough spots, Jess? Yours, ~Nina
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 3 months ago

I think this cake is

I think this cake is baked. You've improved the poetic qualities through all six revisions so much I can't place the original. Better imagery, ideas and language. The only thing that bothers me a little is the only thing you haven't changed. The last line. I know it's just me but question endings often strike me as a weak way to evoke evocation, if you get my drift. I would cheekily suggest- men will kiss anything. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible
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Ink Dragon

16 years 3 months ago

See?

Had you bothered to read this when I first posted it, Jess, the cake would have been baked long ago. Thanks for the suggestion, I think I see a possibility... Yours, ~Nina
weirdelf

weirdelf

16 years 3 months ago

"bothered"? Ow. That is harsh

You know the difficulty of keeping up with all our friends works. But then again you and I are not nearly as prolific as some of our other friends. I guess there is no excuse. My apologies. Cheers, Jess, reprehensibly irrepressible