Turn Back (revised)

I loved it. Refreshing. Not sure about the title but it certainly works. I was thinking; I'm so hungry I could feed on carion but for now on the blood of the memories you left. LOOL just kidding. This is just well done far as I am concerned and a great read ! Don't be shy keep on sharing please ! If you read that I feel lucky. Mark

You have captured the desolation and pain of rejected love very well. I like your rhyming a lot. There are two lines that don't seem to fit, for me. The first one is "when our hearts did not know of pain and woe" how about "when our hearts knew nothing of pain and woe"? and then this line... "I now painfully make preparation" seems to break the rhythym of the poem. "I now make painful perparation"...perhaps? A good poem, very emotional, very heartfelt and clear keep em coming! Respectfully, Jim

I think this poem was one of the best poems I have read in a while. I look forward to reading more poems from you Debra.

I enjoyed the read. Respectfully, Rett: "For all you Scrooges who don't like Santa Claus or the true meaning of Christmas, BAH HUMBUG! For the rest of you, MERRY CHRISTMAS!" Rett

Debra, I'm not sure what is meaningless because you don't say. So I can only try and clarify everything KK? First off I welcomed you to the community (in my own way) "I welcome you to the community and my welcome is the raw truth" K? I loved your poem and to me it is refreshing compared to some other poetry I read. I am not sure about the title because you have it stacked three times meaning it is typed in three times and they (turn back) are on top of each other Turn Back (the default title) OK Turn Back (the title typed into the top of the poem body) Turn Back (the fist two words of the poem body times two) This is called redundancy and is usually unnecessary. The default title is usually enough IMO and at times maybe in the body, but as the first two words of the poem body seems too much IMO (redundancy) Finally you signed it. Why? Your name is in the submission line. I enjoyed the poem very much. I hope I cleared up any meaningless communication. Of course you can ignore all this and say it is not meaningful LMAO If you read that I feel lucky. Mark

This is an excellent poem for only your second attempt. I started here in July, and had much to learn, and still do. Keep on keeping on. It will become an addiction before long.

Rhyme is tricky and considering this is your second attempt (did I read that correctly?) to write, you have managed well. A few notes concerning rhyming poetry - It is usually best to choose a pattern and be consistent with it throughout the poem, unless you are writing in one of the styles that calls for a difficult blend. For example, your piece seems to start with aa,bb,c,d (bear with me, it's been a long time since I've considered rhyme so carefully). However, you do lose that pattern a bit further into the piece. Sometimes doing so can affect the flow of the entire poem. Take care not to use a word just because it "fits" the rhyme. It is one of the most common errors in rhyme and the reason some readers shy away from rhyming poetry (and I'll be honest, I'm included in that group). It is very easy to be forced into a corner by rhyme, which greatly affects your message and the emotion conveyed. That said, you did a good job for beginning. You're in the right place to learn, and Rett is very good with rhyme. All I can offer is my opinion and a few suggestions - not sure either has been helpful, now that I look at it! At any rate, welcome. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Best ~ Ronda

This is your second attempt at poetry? At POETRY? Smack me up the side of the head ! Debra, I misunderstood. I was thinking this is your second time posting on this site :( Well now, this gets a ^5 from me for that. But Debra, you are studdering in your first line. You need to remove one of the "turn back" and replace it with someting else if need be if you can if you need to at all. Then she's a perfect, yes? A star ! (or 5) Sorry if I came on too strong back there. If you read that I feel lucky. Mark

Second attempt at writing. you are a natural with guidance you will be great. I am not big on rhyming either, but sometimes especially, as of lately, i have been rhyming more without the need of the rhyming book which is what I use when i really want to rhyme. Rett is a great rhymer. I have use his poem to learn to write like him because rhyming is difficult for me also. Freestyle is my favorite though I enjoy all styles of writing. I do write other style poetry as I get bored very quickly feeling sad thus needing a change. You will enjoy learning at this site. Their is a wealth of talented poets to help you get there. Respectfully Yours, Barbara

I have read the older version before and am impressed with how much it has been improved by a few changes. Now I learn from the comments that it was your second poem you ever wrote, I am doubly impressed. Keep writing, I am looking forward to reading more, ID P.S. It is perfectly all right if you just comment on the poems you read about the emotions you felt when reading them, which reminds me: Thank you for your comment on "Red lettered warning" again!

Considering the quality of what you have told us is only your second poem ever... ...please feel free to critique my own efforts, frequently and at length. I would and will value your criticism. ;) Respectfully, Jim "An armed populace is the last defense against tyrannical government": Race

I was moved to tears at the loss of love. I love truth in poetry, and especially this stanza: "This love was born so long ago when hearts knew not of pain and woe." so fitting to this poem. I loved it!!! thanks, Eddie

I came back for another read and loved even more the second read. ~~~~~~~~~ Be whoever you are At all times, and Remember that Because of this, people will Always Respect, and Admire you ©2008Leonard Respectfully Yours, Barbara

It's a tighter work now, flowing much better and conveying the emotions more sharply. Respectfully, Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

It is no longer a nice read, it has become a very good read. It flows much smoother and seems to be more expressive. Well done! Respectfully, Rett: "Next time you think you're perfect, walk on water."

One step closer to that spotlight! Regards Jim "Laws and rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" : Race

Thumbs up on the re write It works and reads well now Chrys

I can only do what Chrys did: Thumbs up! You´re really working on your structure, aren´t you? It´s great to see this revised work, ~Nina