deelilah

Oct 28, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

When Sleep Won't Come--Part 1

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When

Sleep won’t

Come at ten

It’s all good don’t

Get too excited

The books will entertain

Keep the darkness well lighted

Words sing lullabies to the brain

Lights out at midnight to let sleep in

Lie still and listen to a moon that weeps

For nothing knowing not that which is sin

When sleep won’t come at three and it’s for keeps

Fantastic forms dance across the inside

Of eyelids like souls who cannot abide

Everlasting darkness who beg for the light

To come once more so eyes can see

That tomorrow is not night

But real till dawn’s hours be

Filled again with dreams

Open your eyes

Though it seems

Unwise

Lies

— deelilah, Oct 28, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwest USA, USA

Favorite Poets: E.E. Cummings, Robert W. Service, Emily Dickenson

Critiques

RSScheerer

17 years 7 months ago

When Sleep Won't Come

I'm all too familiar with insomnia, so much of this sounds familiar. You've got a good piece here. I think it could be stronger. This is a personal peeve, so feel welcome to ignore it, but contractions in poetry detract the meaning for me. Not always, but a good majority of the time. There is a nice pattern here, and the flow isn't bad at all. Internal logic is definitely consistent. Want to know something very simple that impresses me? You used the word "lie" correctly. Sounds simple, but many people make the mistake of using "lay." Kudos to you! Looking forward to reading more of your work. Best ~ Ronda

deelilah

17 years 7 months ago

Thanks for reading

the poem and commenting. I wondered about contractions, though I see them frequently. This is a little experiment playing with meter and sonnet. I'm hopelessly addicted to counting feet. It actually puts me to sleep in one of these insomniac spells. Yours, Donna

themoonman

17 years 7 months ago

Donna...

I love the format and the rhyming used... only one line I thought seemed a bit forced coming out of my mouth anyway... and it just may be me... but see what you think... keep the darkness well lighted... like I say, probably just me... very good Donna... Richard

deelilah

17 years 7 months ago

darkness or dark night?

Do you think 'dark night' would help. I need lighted to go with excited. This whole thing needs an overhaul, I think, like my truck. Got to go drive; but first I got to go read your new poem again. I think you've hit the nail on the head. Thanks for the reading. Donna