Neopoet

Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

A
ArrowWords
Oct 21, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Telescopic Touching

Saturn’s spectrum snatched by glass

Thrown gently to my eye

In telescopic touching

Mundane attachments gone

in whole black between-us space.

Your rebounded sunlight

Thrills,

as when a lover’s presence

Outshines his pictured sight.

Then suddenly too,

Vanished I

To know our joining

Makes me and all the “it’s”

                                                                               Into tiny insubstantial bits.



 
— ArrowWords, Oct 21, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: CAN

Favorite Poets: Dylan Thomas, Walt Whitman, Lawrence Ferlinghetti, Leonard Cohen, Constantine Cavafy

More from this author

Critiques

A

Arrow

17 years 7 months ago

I had a similar experience in my college astronomy class

(aka "physics for poets"). Were you also warned not to come to the telescope drunk? Now, your poem . . . I think there is too much alliteration in the beginning. "in whole black-between-us space" - This captures the feeling just right. I remember feeling small and alone although crowded with other students at the top of the tower. "Thrilled am I, as when a lover’s presence Outshines a pictured sight." - This is a really good analogy. "Thrilled am I," "Vanished am I" These two lines seem too oratorial. The poem is about recognizing your relative smallness. Maybe "I am thrilled"? Welcome to Neopoet. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions about the site.
A

ArrowWords

17 years 7 months ago

Saturn You and I (revised) - thanks for your comments

Your comments are helpful. I agree the alliteration contributes nothing and comes across as too cute. I got lazy. I've changed it but am still not especially pleased. Good point about the oratorial repetition. In the first I've decided not to use "am I" at all. "Thrilling" should be enough, because the "I" is already present by then. I have also put a gender into the analogy because it seems too abstract to me otherwise and misses a bit of what I felt. Oh, and no one said not to come drunk, probably because it would have only encouraged us. Thanks again, Don So here it is revised: Saturn’s spectrum snatched by glass Thrown gently to my eye In telescopic touching Of observatory night. Above campused quests, Their technic gone in whole black between-us space. Your rebounded sunlight Thrilling, as when a lover’s presence Outshines his pictured sight. And too, suddenly, Vanished am I To know our joining Makes me and all the “it’s” Into tiny insubstantial bits.
A

Arrow

17 years 7 months ago

Substantial revisions can be tough.

It usually takes me a few weeks because once I've written something, I can't think about it any differently for a while. Time and more feedback should do it. Also, you can post your latest revision without losing the old one(s) by clicking on your poem and using the Edit tab. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 7 months ago

ArrowWords

at one point or another we come to realise how small and insignificant we are to the cosmos, but the smallest contribution, like this poem makes a world of difference. I truly enjoyed the imagery you created here! Thanks, Eddie "do like the once barren tree: flourish and like the planted seed: rise" Jose de Deigo
A

ArrowWords

17 years 7 months ago

Saturn

Thanks. This happened a long time ago when I was a business student in university. The experience has stayed with me all my life. Needless perhaps to say I have taken a different path than my university colleagues (I think). Best regards, Don
A

Atticus

16 years 3 months ago

Quite fantastic! Sometimes

Quite fantastic! Sometimes that's all there is to say. All the best, Nathaniel