Lenny of Cohen

Oct 08, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Beware

I'll paint my words
with your love
I will cleanse my heart
with your tears
I will pick up the pieces
as I fall apart

Romance looks me
straight in the eye
as clouds skate
quickly across
the evening sky
even they doubt whether
I have the self belief
to reach out and achieve
what others claim
I already posess

I'm in a trance
as trembling
I stare up
to the heavens
and remember that
this is the place
where soulmates
sometimes disintegrate

(C)2008 Lenny Gazbowski

— Lenny of Cohen, Oct 08, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

weirdelf

17 years 8 months ago

dig it Lenny

Romance with edge. Last line bothers me a bit cos it is so used, perhaps over-used. If you want the reference to fools rushing in perhaps there is another way than Pope? cheers, Jess

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 8 months ago

Lenny,

It sounds like in the begin your apologizing, than love is found anew, and it's like heaven. I like this but I can't feel loves passion< like something is missing. All in all, it's and enjoyable read! That's just my opinon. thanks, Eddie "if I fall from an over-look while I'm druck, is that suiside"

Lenny of Cohen

17 years 8 months ago

Guys I

thank you for your comments,and I do appreciate them. Jess! I agree with you about the last line,so I'll work on that in the near future. Eddie: I follow what your saying.However I disagree with your comment about no passion,but I will spend more time on this poem and see what happens. The poem originated in 1997,and when I rediscovered it I found two poems from the one!So there is another poem on its way! Lenny

purplemoondoll

17 years 8 months ago

Every one of your poems have

Every one of your poems have a delicious edge to them. This is no exception. I agree soul mates is a well worn term - but in this case I think it works. Excellent work my friend. :-) Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Lenny

Smiles:) Barbara I really like the first stanza (I’ll paint my words with your love I will cleanse my heart with your tears) These four lines are beautiful they are my favorite I agree with Eddie could use some Tweaking Glad you found it (beware)

Lenny of Cohen

17 years 8 months ago

Appreciation

to my fellow poets for their comments and suggestions. To Kaz and Barbara, I have "tweaked" the poem already,so I will include the original here so you can maybe comment again!LOL! *Kaz! I love that term "delicious edge" ! Thanks Kaz! Beware (original) I’ll paint my words with your love I will cleanse my heart with your tears I will pick up the pieces as I fall apart Romance looks me in the eye clouds skate across the sky I’m in a trance as I stare up to the heavens this place is where angels fear to tread Once again, A BIG THANK YOU to you all! Lenny (I'm kind of stoned on morphine.............hey.....stick some Floyd on......)

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 8 months ago

Lenny,

I to like the original better, but this is the problem when we have something good we change it to please other. Lenny Less information is better, because it leave it to the imagination! thanks, Eddie

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

I love the original

Smiles:) Barbara Perfection should not be tampered with. They are both good the original seems to me to flow better.

infinite_dwarf

17 years 7 months ago

Sorry, friend

I, too, like the original better! Good flow, just enough info for food for thought... Remember, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"If your mother still drives you to school, you ain't no 'gangsta', pull your damn pants up!" - Bill Engvall

Rett

17 years 7 months ago

Lenny, I must admit

I am not sure which version I like best. The original or the tweaked version, but either one is damn good and well written. I enjoyed it sir. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby" Rett: 2008

Mark

17 years 7 months ago

So true

A great one Lenny ! Mark Man thinks this.

Barbara Writes

17 years 7 months ago

Lenny

A second read was was even better than the first. Respectfully Yours, Barbara

Lenny of Cohen

17 years 7 months ago

Many thanks

to you all for the comments you each made. I appreciate your time and effort in reading and commenting. Lenny