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Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Oct 03, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

With You

With you
I traveled to the sun
found a ray of love
been to the moon
put its light in my heart
rode out the storms
pitched an anchor staying sane
survived Mt. Helen's fire
took a nugget from the ashes
with you the stars fell from heaven
in a box of cherished memories

— Barbara Writes, Oct 03, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins, Shakespeare, , Emily Dickinson, , , Whitman, Jess Tapper

More from this author

Critiques

Mark

Mark

17 years 8 months ago

With you

Hi Barbara ! I like what you are saying here. You know you will face heavy crit wherever you put this because of the redundancy. I woner if you were able to take out all the "With You" but one - where you would put that one? Write on ! Mark Walk me into the night and leave me there for I am not afraid. Just give me a ton of opiates ;)
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Thanks Mark

Smiles:) Barbara Appreciate the crit, was just putting it down as it came will revise as you suggest little at a time.
Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 8 months ago

Barbara,

I'll have to agree with Mark, but I think you leave two "with you" the very first one and in the last line to bring it full circle. Just my opinion. I love the confession of the love in this piece. Which people to do to much. nice work. Eddie PS now you have to many "and" it's throwing me off as I read it take them out Please you'll see how much more it will flow
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Eddie

Smiles:) Barbara thanks a lot started to put the with you in at the end to bring it full circle but waited. will do that now. as for the ands I will take out because I agree with you.
Eduardo Cruz

Eduardo Cruz

17 years 8 months ago

Beautiful

now it carries you to the end with anticipation! thanks, Eddie
Rett

Rett

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Barbara

Another fine one. Your words just seem to capture a person. Well done. One little change I see. "survive the fire " I think survive needs to be past tense "survived the fire" Must be the beautiful smile. BTW the baby is precious. Respectfully, Rett: "Two things stand in the way of a liberal doing what he thinks is best for people. One, he doesn't have enough power and two, we have too much freedom. If he figures out how to overcome either then we are in real trouble." Rett
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Rett

Smiles:) Barbara Thanks for weighing in i missed that tense will change, also will reread for others tenses I may have missed thanks, he is getting bigger and more aware every time I go visit him.
Mark

Mark

17 years 8 months ago

Applauds

And ::cheers:: ::dances in circles:: Mark Walk me into the night and leave me there for I am not afraid. Just give me a ton of opiates ;)
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 8 months ago

Barb

Have one tiny microscopic nitpick - Mt. Helen -> Mt. Saint Helen (shorten it however you wish) Still an impressive write regardless.... ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- "If you've ever emptied the back of your pickup truck by driving backward really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck" - Jeff Foxworthy Bill Engvall: "that's how we moved"
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 8 months ago

yep

It's in Washington state. Blew up in 1980. Like I said, just a miniscule nitpick, and the poem more than covers it. Either way works okey dokey good! :~) ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- "If you've ever emptied the back of your pickup truck by driving backward really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck" - Jeff Foxworthy Bill Engvall: "that's how we moved"
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Hmm yeah

Smiles:) Barbara didn't realize it was Mt. Saint Helen thought it was just Mt. Helen Guess my brain cut a piece out LOL
Janice Pearce

Janice Pearce

17 years 8 months ago

With You

Barbara, This one is a beauty! The line:"came out a nugget in the ashes" seemed to take from the beauty of this one could be me, tho. "There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you." Will Rogers
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 8 months ago

Came out a nugget

Smiles:) Barbara Thanks for the crit, i thought i could have done better with that line plan to make a change to it.