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rider68
Aug 23, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Internal Pain

The reason for writing, I wanted to capture that feel of loss, brought about by reading a story of a Mothers plight,
to losing her children, her kids died through a car veering out of control, mounting a pavement and wiping them out,
the guy was drunk, How do you console some-one?......In that position,



A mother:
Yet but a child,
Grieving silently,
Torn internally
So emotionally,

Life;
The challenger, the tormentor,
The enlightenment to that retching pain
Deep within the pit of that internal being  
She weeps miserably, uncared,
In total despair, sitting alone,
Thinking of what could have been,
Of what should have been,
To life, of life,
And of love, 

The kids,
Her kids - just stare,
With glazed eyes
Entomb;
Living in the margins
Perpetually,
Just out of view

In silence
Tears bleed painfully
She clings desperately,
Holding ragged clothes
Calling, mumbling names
Their names,
Mary, John, Chris, and Sue,
Reflecting plea’s bounce -
From room to room,

She takes comfort in memories
Their memories,
By drawing aging scent,
Of echoing laughter,
Those momentary thoughts
To pictures, snaps,
Capturing lasting images
Of her children that once lived
Giving life to her soul
Locked into that room,

 

About This Poem

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Country/Region: GBR

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Comments

infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 8 months ago

Peter

This is so incredibly sad. Drunk drivers should be castrated with a dull knife. This story is very real, very touching, and you should send it to one of the drunk driving organizations. I don't know what is in the UK, but we have MADD, SADD, and others. Structurally, there were a couple glitches in the flow, but the poignency (spelling?) more than made up for it, so it's negligible. Great to see you posting again, my friend. We've missed you. ~Jess ---------------------------------------------------- "Just 'cause you have one, doesn't mean you need to be one....."
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Jess

Hi Jess Thanks for reading, although you say you stumbled once or twice, please enlighten, as i've read and re-read, not to sure as to where you might mean, Spelling, yes I think i've corrected the intro, "plight" I wondering if you've seen anything else? Thanks again, Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
Rett

Rett

17 years 8 months ago

Peter, so sad and telling sir

That would be dreadful and you captured the reality extremely well. There are a couple of places I would make a change as follows... Living in the margins Perpetual, (perpetually,) Just out of view Locked to that room,(into) Other than that myfriend, I think you did a tremendous job. That brought tears. Thank you. Respectfully, Rett: "If life is a bowl of cherries, why am I in the pits?" Erma Bombeck
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Thanks Rett

Thanks Rett..... You are right thanks for the corrections, it reads far better, kindest Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 8 months ago

It was me

I changed the tempo and the style that I was reading it in, and it made perfect sense. I retract my previous comment. :~) Excellent! ~Jess ---------------------------------------------------- "Just 'cause you have one, doesn't mean you need to be one....."
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Jess

Thanks for taking a look again, although the corrections maybe the concerns you had, Rett kindly pointed them out, Take care regards......Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
themoonman

themoonman

17 years 8 months ago

Peter...

a very emotional write.. and written well.. the revisions make the read flow.. it is very upsetting to know life can be wiped out so quickly... I consider myself very lucky so far... back in my younger days I too drove drunk, luckily for me I didn't kill anyone and my bout with drinking didn't last very long.. and back then a police officer may just let you go.. as they did me a couple of times.. but today it is differant.. and it is much busier out there on the road.. traffic moves much faster and the police are not apt to let anyone go uncharged... and that is the way it should be.. yes, when I look back...that could have been me that killed those kids and I doubt if I could live with that. thanks for writing this one.. Richard
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Richard

Thanks a lot for reading, like you in my youth, was drunk behind a wheel, so many times, and yes i also was so lucky not to have hurt any-one, looking back i must have been insane, the stupidity of youth i suppose, I was finally cured back in the 80's, friends of friends, lost a daughter to a drunk driver, They were a really lovely family, she was a beautiful talented girl, out celebrating her 18th birthday, when a van driver drove into the taxi that they were in, killing three of the girls outright, this single act destroyed that Family, we have lost touch, they moved away, not long after, But from that day i swore that i would never touch a sip if i was to drive, Thanks again Richard... Very Best regards.........Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
Janice Pearce

Janice Pearce

17 years 8 months ago

Internal Pain

Gut-wrenching, thought provoking, and extreme sadness. You did this justice, and them some!!
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Thanks Janice

Sorry i know not a great subject, but i tend to get motivated by snippets read through the media, Thank you for taking the time to comment, most read subjects like this and move on, hope you are well....... My Kindest Regards. Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
Candlewitch

Candlewitch

17 years 8 months ago

Peter

I agree with Janice on all points. I think that drunk driving is not dealt with harshly enough legally. I don't think your title is strong enough for this excellent poem. My title suggestion is: "Legacy of a Drunk Driver" Always, Cat
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Cat

I couldn’t agree more, concerning drunk drivers, as to the title, my aim was to Convey the heartache of the bereaved, as this is what tore me up, and how to deal with consoling some-one in such a situation, god only knows, Jess questioned whether this should have been written at all, It's a fair point, and to one I'm now wondering, Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts........hoping you are well, Take care.....Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 8 months ago

superbly written

with deep compassion. Part of me feels you had no right to write this. Only they can. I know that is harsh but I believe in a deep human truth in poetry, also in a lot of its other aspirations. I believe in your deep empathy, but by writing something this most deep to the heart of human nature from your imagination, I applaude your attempt. And suggest it should never have been done. It can only have been done by those who have experienced it. I know this is harsh, and again i applaude your poetic success. This to me feels like it belongs only to those who have experienced it. You will find many paradoxes in my comments and I applaude myself for be able to make them. And expect a barage of diparagement for the comments I just made. That's cool. cheers, Jess
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

To write Or to ignore?

Hi Jess, Whilst I tend to agree/in part/ In principle to your point of view, I have to say that my motivation to write is brought about by a desire, spurred by the moment, I struggle with the topical subjects, such as love and desire, and as for religious accounts, Well let's - just not go there, So if to write then all one can achieve is an honest non biased account, a factual account, trying to convey the intensity, In the little I have written of late I’ve tried to convey just the moment, As I have previously written that this isn’t a pleasing or topical subject, If I offend any-one in anyway, then without question I make full apologies, as life topics Such as what I’ve written, will awaken sensitive issue’s, But for self improvement I need to explore the topic’s that dictate my interest, As you are aware, this type of subject is never going to be topical; it’s too raw, but then I’m now not looking or wanting to write, just to appease the masses, I hope I’ve managed to convey my thoughts and reasoning…. But thank you for taking the time to read, and leaving honest thoughts and comments, A final point, I akin writing to artistry, abstract is a form of art that I developed later in life, land and seascapes, abstracted is a fantastic challenge, But nothing quiet’s beat detail Looking at a painting/drawings when such fine detail is applied, when one questions Whether they are looking at a painting or a stills picture….that is some thing else, To be able to Pen to that standard would be a great accomplishment, Take care Jess……very best regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
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barbsdad2003

17 years 8 months ago

Thanx, Peter ...

for reminding me of my own pain that will not, will not, cannot leave. The one that, like fingernails screeching on chalkboard, demands attention. I refer to loss of son ... shortly after his 20th birthday. Not to an accident. Not really. No drunk driver. The loss of child is loss no matter how it happens. Or when. An impressively brilliant, sensitive write. Esp. so since it's not the author who so directly suffered the particular loss mentioned in the piece. Kudos. And thanx again, Chuck PS: I mean it: really. No sarcasm/irony intended. Really thanx.
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rider68

17 years 8 months ago

Hi Chuck

Respectfully All I can say, that this was an honest attempt to feel and portray the hurt, one becomes somewhat single focused, not seeing anything above the brow, I toiled with this for over a week, trying not to glamorize, but to account what I thought would be those consoling moments, I can only apologize if this has touched a nerve; it wasn't my intention to stir painful events past,......I'll leave it there, Thank you for being honest, and able to post your thoughts..... Be well my friend and take care, Very Best Regards..... Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
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barbsdad2003

17 years 8 months ago

My memory of my ...

personal loss remains forever fresh. Not because I will it. Simply because it is. Please do not feel apologetic in my case. To be reminded of him---and his early death---is to be doubly/triply blessed/jolted. Your piece deserves my fondest regard. I value it highly. This touched a nerve, yes. But isn't that what good poetry does? This happens to be good poetry. And for that I'm grateful. Thank you. Please hear my kudos. That's my core message to you. That you remind me, by your writing, of my son's leaving life ... well, what to say except to proffer my heartfelt thanx? That the reminder happens to carry pain with it? So what! I know, both from your reply above and from my own reading of my comments here to you, that the temptation by you to assume an offense of some nature being taken by me stands high. As to offense actually taken even in small part? It's just not so. It wasn't so when first I read this; it wasn't when I reread it; it isn't now; it will not be. It cannot be. A grateful thanx, thanx, thanx, Chuck