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autumnphoenix
autumnphoenix
Aug 17, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

October Rain

Pelting cold rain drops
beat upon the ponds surface
Coy swim deeper now
avoiding Octobers rain
two feet  down, warmer waters.

— autumnphoenix, Aug 17, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 9 months ago

Nicely done

Smiles:) Barbara great moment of focus you got me thinking about writing tanka again
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

17 years 9 months ago

Hi Barbara,

Your comment means alot. As you have written tanka before I am pleased with my offering all the more. This is my first attempt. I find I like the way the image comes to my mind for these. Its like a mystery, a who ,what, when and why to the scene. I am having fun with it. Thanks Barbara. Dana
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 9 months ago

coy? is a type of fish? Koi type of carp?

I love the poem and especially the pun on coy carp that wouldn't work in Japanese, but to be didactic, shouldn't it be Koi? Would hate to lose the, sorry, pun is not a goood word, reference is better, as long as people make the association. cheers, Jess
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

17 years 9 months ago

I should have known

I should have known you would get it. I can't take credit for the pun though. My son did that. he likes to see if people catch the reference in things on the whole. He likes looking for hidden meanings. He also loves the japanese ancient culture. So yes it should be Koi, and yes Koi are coy. lol. Thats how he explained it to me. Thanks Jess. Dana
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

17 years 9 months ago

I think he is,

Thank you. He wrote a story when he was nine. He is now writing his third story. He likes to write when I do. It started when he was small. When I wrote he wanted to do the same so I gave him his own supplies. He is into art was well. I have written four stories as a direct result of him. I use to make them up as I went along and he asked me to write one down for him. The rest is history. lol. Maybe one day we'll write one together. I recently submitted one of mine for consideration to a magazine. I havent heard anything yet. Dana
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

Like Jess, I really liked the pun

Being a bit of a punster myself, I love coy Koi. That is even better than a floating bouy, boy! *LOL* Good write Dana. Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

17 years 9 months ago

Hi Rett,

Thank You. I am glad to return the smiles I have had when reading you work. :) Nothing gets past you either I see. I know you know the pride I feel in my son as well. I saw it in your story for your grandkids. Writing is all the more special when its for them. I home schooled for a while, it was one of my favorite things. I would like to again but he wanted to go back to public school. What can you do when they start to grow up. Dana
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

I quite understand your pride

and it looks to me like you have ample reason for it. (friendly hug) Respectfully, Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 9 months ago

Pun

Smiles:) Barbara not qualified to comment i only learn pun since coming to neopoet and have not come to grasp its beauty as of yet. maybe Rett will host a chat on it. i like learning new things.
Rett

Rett

17 years 9 months ago

oh my

I wouldn't make yolks about eggs. I really chicken to do that. Rett: "Life is like a beach. Salty, gritty, somewhat fishy and at other times, downright crabby!" Rett 2008.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

17 years 9 months ago

I looked up both words

Smiles:) Barbara coy and koi one is a fish native to japan and one means to be evasive. I obviously don't this form. Not to say I can't understand this higher literary form, just have,t been expose to it. knowledge is power.
SK

sophie kant

17 years 9 months ago

first Japanese poem I've come across in a long time

i liked it:) i miss the simplicity and elegance the style has. i wonder, "Octobers rain" in the 4th line? did you mean it to be like that or is it "October's rain"? (i was nervous to post this comment. i was thinking maybe i just missed something) Sophie
autumnphoenix

autumnphoenix

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks for asking

Hi Sophie, Its meant to be ('s). October's rain. The fresh cold rain we get here in Kentucky in October is always strikenly cold. In future I hope you will feel free to ask me anything when reading my pieces. Sometimes my insight might just be a miss finger stroke. I will tell you if you ask. I learn from myself all the time. :) Let me tell you about the group here they are very easy to question. I havent found one person here that has been unwilling to respond to any question. There is a wonderful community here. Thank you for reading my piece and commenting. I have two haiku posted if you care to read mine. P.S I like Japanese pieces for the same reason. Dana