there you are from where I am

my sensitive skin
so separates

me from you/you from
me;

it also---
via prompts
of prickled nerves---tells
me,

neath light cov's deep dark
this cricket summer's night,

that you lie
restless nearby

there

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Comments

Samuel Johnnie Green

17 years 8 months ago

Line Breaks and Enjambment

I feel the emotion, but I can feel the emotion much better if lines were put together, most notably in the second stanza. The line breaks and enjambment works well throughout, but it was just that part that kind of had me off for a while. Title fits well for the imagery of the poem and brings it out. Decent to good poem.

Arrow

17 years 8 months ago

I thought the line breaks were quite good.

I particularly like them in the stanza beginning with "it also-." That stanza has a jerky, awkward feel, which is exactly how two estranged people would relate. I also like the image of the "cricket summer's night," which conjures for me a lonely, irritated feeling. My suggestions are only two: 1) to eliminate the first word, "though" - I'm not sure what it adds and it might make the isolation of the last word stand out more 2) to reduce/eliminate the contractions. I found them distracting. I thought this captured the experience of frustrated estrangement very well.

barbsdad2003

17 years 8 months ago

Thanx

You've by your comment prompted a new look at this brief piece. I did remove the though, then replaced the comma with semicolon; went from supersens'tive to sensitive. Left the possessive cov's alone; 'twas intended as short for cover's. Appreciate your thoughtful read. Your note of a particular stanza having a jerky, awkward feel, "which is exactly how two estranged people would relate"? Right on the money. I also replaced tingled, I think it was, with prickled. For some reason currently unknown, it feels the better word ... at least to me. Oh. And I also inserted so before separates. Yours, Chuck PS: I note on further review---and with delight, I might add---that the insertion of so contributes a potency to the break tween stanzas one and two ... and makes that break, I think, surprisingly apt.

Arrow

17 years 8 months ago

Ahhhhh . . .

that is more satisfying. "Prickled" is better, I think, because it is an irritating sensation. For me, "tingling" has a positive connotation. I also think you're right about "so." Glad you found the feedback helpful.

Samuel Johnnie Green

17 years 8 months ago