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Sinbadthesailorman
Sinbadthesailorman
Jul 29, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

The Rant of the "Redeemer's" Captain

Oh misery, oh sadness, the faltering and the madness
Where did you come from? For what atonement are you here?
Why do you persevere; in my safe harbor; here?

I spied my lady fair upon this ships deck, through my glass eye as icy fingers crawled up my spine
This is where and when I began to loss my mind

The "Intruder" she  and the Captain of, stands ready and foreboding; in the harbor's Gate

I turned my old girl around and set her to running; this was my mistake

I must have cut her too deeply and to the quick for  she is leaning too hard upon this her captain

Aye! The reef sliced threw her as with razor-edged swords  how and why I wonder

Why is she standing at his side?

My Friend did he mean to or was it just a blunder

 Why is he adding to my stew? Did he not know? Indeed he knew!
Nevertheless her offenders defenses are up and at one hundred precent

There is no time for us to duel!
The walls guns now too are blasting, the Main Mast is ripped into 

As she turns to give me aide; I wonder,  why he misbehaved

Battle stations at a constant readiness; the crying and the shouting
She wont stop her advancing

Now until I am dead in her sight

Though she did this to me by retreating

The damage was already done never shall I be redeemed

I was dazed and confused by life long battles; I was worn down
Nearly and quite possible mad; from running

He mistakenly took me a friend for a foe and I delivered

The fatal blow; by turning the "Redeemer" away, instead of standing
Not one that will take an immediate effect
But, one that will linger for a said time

Unfortunately not enough time for either the "Redeemer or the "Intruder"
or the falterings of the lovers of which, Me lady has not made up her mind 

This friend in  the harbor 
Who has carelessly smitten his beloved friend

He has now turn foe by flying a captured flag of mine
She was my Honor and not his to fly and now her Innocent's is no more

Just where and when will it all end?

A just end to a deceived and shell shocked mind or was he too blind?

This Captain on a dieing ship  will soon be set a drift
In hostile waters, in want of a new first mate, and a better fate

With out even a slip, I have torn sails and very few rations left
She is listing hard and to one side and soon She'll  take on water too

But, even these rats won't hasten to abandon ship
No! Not, just yet! Not in these ice cold waters
For they know the history of this their Captain

Where is our redeemer now? When He is called upon, He sure does take His sweet time! O' my Lord why!

Blast it all !  No more ports of call; when this nest it takes on these waters
In this damn cold calmed sea;  this Ship she will shoot to the bottom
As do ballast rocks

These here rats indeed!

They will use my Lady's corpse for  rafts and make for dry land
I see now the mocking monsters are dismantling her... bu lup... bu lup..

The "Redeemer" she slips asunder

The Captain has gone down with his be-love- ed Ship

A thought by Sinbad the Sailor Man

— Sinbadthesailorman, Jul 29, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: U.S. A. Indiana, Valparaiso, USA

Favorite Poets: Robert Frost, Walt Whitman, Samuel Taylor Coleridge, Carl Sandburg these I have read some And so Many More. I have no Favorite or any that I dislike. Whom I consider to be poets; of course there are many Dark and hateful souls, who would cry out and to I will lend an ear, but some. They just leave a awful taste in my heart that I can not bear to read twice. Let alone as many times I would do normally; as I must.

More from this author

Critiques

weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 10 months ago

need to come back to this

eyes can't read the lomg piece on page, need to post into Word to read it. Please PM me to remind me. cheers, Jess
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 9 months ago

Finally. Sorry it took so long to get back to you on this

ok, let's see if I've read the storyline right. Two friendly Captains are the two voices, normal is Redeemer's Captain and italics is Intruder's Captain. Through a deadly blunder the Intruder turns Redeemer away from safe port and Redeemer, adding blunder to blunder strikes a reef. Redeemer is doomed and Intruder possibly also, through losing an ally. The mistake happened because Redeemer was flying an enemy flag as an honour trophy. Also both men are sufferring from being so long at war, shell-shocked. OK, assuming I followed the story correctly my main sugggestion is that it's not an easy read onscreen, it would work better in Classic form. Re-read "Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner" and any Longfellow to get that precise prosody happening in your head. Otherwise a few minor fixes Typo in the title Donnie! Slap on Wrist Redemer Redeemer Eye! the reef... Aye! the reef... (not sure if you mean like aye aye aaarggh, or eye to the reef) razor-ed razored My Friend did he mean too My Friend did he mean to Is he adding to my stew? Why is he adding to my stew? He has put me in the poo (just joking) Never the less Nevertheless or even ne'erthelees (more archaic) missed behaved misbehaved A just end to a [shell shocked] mind definitely lose the brackets, but also a just end? Is it just? Justice? Overall I like it Donnie, a poignant story of the cost of war, valour and accidental betrayal. I could make more suggestions on punctuation and wording, I know it's not your strong point, but if you are gonna do long works you are going to have to work on that a bit more yourself. I thought it was downright careless to have a typo in the title. cheers, Jess
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

17 years 9 months ago

Thanks Jess will hard copy the suggestions

the spell check doesn't do the title and as I have said in the past unless it is pointed out A missing letter or a back ward vowel structure will not register even though I read this a hunderd times already it is amazing I do thank you for the help pointing stuff out I am working on a second chap book now with these and I want to get this right I was hinting to that the intruder has the redeemer's girl friend or wife with him I see now that it is not appearent enough and will work on that Maybe he'll spie is love on deck through the glass eye or something I got a better feel where I need to go here and if I can find extra time this month will seek out that work Thanks so much Donnie/ Sinbad
Sinbadthesailorman

Sinbadthesailorman

15 years 11 months ago

Trying to hone it a little more

This is one of the hardest I attempted yet, lots going on in the story. It is hard too deferential-ate all the thoughts of this Captain and his rantings to the reader. It's clear in my mind, but not so clear on paper. I am trying, but don't know just yet. If I got it clear, yet alone crystal. Donnie/Sinbad
weirdelf

weirdelf

15 years 11 months ago

Ain't that the shit!? When it's clear in your mind but not

to the reader. I really appreciate the ongoing work with this mate, but it's become a bloody mess! Honestly, the combination of plain, bold and italics is excruciatingly messy. You've got to do it with word choice alone, as I said before. Here's a concrete suggestion. Open it in Word or whatever word processor you use, turn it all to plain text and put all dialogue and verbalised thought in inverted commas, like dialogue in a novel. Consider naming the Captains and using their names as in novelistic dialogue, or using their ships names a their names. Typographical devices just won't do it. Cheers, Jess, Reprehensibly irrepressible,