Why didn't you come?

I went to ParisBut you were not thereI sat by the old caféWhere we held hands and talked for hoursWhere we couldn’t let go of each other’s eyes Life without you is the season of raining tearsSeason of fading smiles and aching hearts I found Paris exactly as I left itAfter all those yearsThe same old ParisCity of lovers and dreams I stayed there for hoursFor daysFor monthsFor years
But you never came If I could touch your eyes one more timeI would light the fire that used to keep me warmIf I could reach your lips one more timeI would bring all the passion back to life Tell meOh…….. tell meWhy didn’t you come?

aka Darya

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RSScheerer

17 years 9 months ago

This reminds me of so many

This reminds me of so many lonely scenes from films and photographs. Anyone will tell you that love poems are a tough sell. They have to hold some unique quality, convey their message without cliches, etc. I think that this piece succeeds in all of this, until the last stanza. Up to that point, you painted a portrait of moments forever caught inside a memory, longing for the way things were and could have been. The last stanza weakens the rest of the poem. It's too simplistic, too common. If you could give an ending equal to the strength of the beginning, the piece would hold more weight. The problem with it now, I think, is that everyone would wonder why he didn't come, it's implied throughout the poem. Perhaps ending the poem in the midst of another memory could work. Your language use is wonderful, the piece is beautiful, that final stanza is just too flat for the dimension offered here. Best, ~ Ronda

Darya

17 years 9 months ago

Ronda, How else I could have

Ronda, How else I could have finished it? Poetry just writes itself down for me ............if I want to do something intentionally then I'll hit a brick wall and can not even write a word....... I was there but he was not I was waiting and he did not come I did not know why ...........so I seek refuge to him for an answer ....... but thank you so much for the comment ...may be you can help and let me know as how i should really end this poem to make more sense...... by the way , you have chosen a beautiful aviator / photo ...I love it ........the first ever poem i read at this site was about a woman,the sea and imagination ....this picture goes perfectly with that poem ......... I have lost track of the poem now and I have no clue even where my reply has gone ...........but it was a beautiful poem thanks again for the constructive comments.

RSScheerer

17 years 9 months ago

Darya

Poetry does indeed write itself; I completely understand what you are saying. As poets, we allow it to do so. To fully comprehend it, we edit. I often find poems written years ago and discover that I can make them better by working on them now ... and it is work! It isn't that your poem does not make sense, it is the fact that the ending is very ... predictable, for lack of a better word. You have such gorgeous imagery throughout the rest of the piece, it deserves a conclusion that fits. This does not mean changing what happened, changing the story, but it may mean changing the way that it is told. This is difficult to describe ... it is easier to show you. Please understand that I'm not suggesting you change your work; it is always your work. But I can offer ideas that you can take or leave as you wish. For example, simple edits: "I went to Paris But you were not there I sat by the old café Where we held hands and talked for hours Where we couldn’t let go of each other’s eyes Life without you is the season of raining tears Season of fading smiles and aching hearts I found Paris exactly as I left it After all those years The same old Paris City of lovers and dreams I stayed there for hours For weeks For months For years But you never came If I could touch your eyes one more time I would hold all the fire That used to keep me warm If I could reach your lips one more time I would bring all the passion back to life If I could read your mind I would know why you never returned But I cannot do any of these things I found Paris exactly as I left it After all those years The same old Paris City of lovers and dreams ... alone" As I said, I can only offer suggestions. The work is yours and it is lovely. My view is that of an audience and writer. You use what you want, or nothing at all. I merely offer suggestions with no intention of offending you. Thank you for the compliment on my avatar. The sea often presents itself in my writing. I never promote my own work, but in this case, you might enjoy reading "vicissitude" - you can find it on my profile page. Your photo caught my eye as well. It's lovely. I look forward to reading more of your work and truly appreciate you taking the time to consider my comments. My best, ~ Ronda

Darya

17 years 9 months ago

how about this ?

“I went to Paris But you were not there I sat by the old café Where we held hands and talked for hours Where we couldn’t let go of each other’s eyes Life without you is the season of raining tears Season of fading smiles and aching hearts I found Paris exactly as I left it After all those years The same old Paris City of lovers and dreams I stayed there for hours For weeks For months For years But you never came If I could touch your eyes one more time I would hold all the fire That used to keep me warm If I could reach your lips one more time I would bring all the passion back to life If I could once again press you against my skin I would forever hold you in me Paris The same old city of lovers and dreams After all these years still I see the blue river of Seine After all these years Still I am in love with its streams aka Darya

Darya

17 years 9 months ago

I do not like this ending

I do not like this ending ......... i still want to know why didn't he come? :)

themoonman

17 years 9 months ago

Hi Darya...

I liked the original better too... but I do agree with Ronda about the end.. although I think you could improve it with just a couple of changes... If I could touch your eyes one more time I would hold all the fire( you are obviously holding onto it) so maybe you could say how it would still hold the fire between you and him... and that Paris passion would be alive again... just a suggestion.. like Ronda says it is up to you.. I fully understand the poem and feel it could be improved by you.. give it some time and come back to it, that usually helps me. you can always edit as many poems a day as you want to.. Richard

Darya

17 years 9 months ago

Ronda and Richard I really

Ronda and Richard I really appreciate the time you took to read my poem and commenting on it ………I made some changes and reposted it.. but I can not change the end of it .........I guess I am stubborn and I like to leave it this way …….................. That question was all I had in my mind from the beginning ….

RSScheerer

17 years 9 months ago

And that is absolutely fine!

And that is absolutely fine! Neo is a workshop and this is how we learn from one another, Darya. It is a beautiful poem, was from the beginning. It's not a matter of being stubborn; it's a matter of doing what feels right for you in your work. Thank you for all of your consideration and understanding. I have to say, you took the suggestions and constructive criticism very professionally, and that is an outstanding characteristic. Best, ~ Ronda

infinite_dwarf

17 years 9 months ago

Darya

This is such a moving piece. I, too, am not completely sold on the ending, but I don't have any better suggestions. Maybe rewording your original question would work. Instead of 'why didn't you come' maybe something like 'why is it that you are not here' I dunno... ~Jess ---------------------------------------------------- "Maybe in your vision, you've seen how omniscient is slightly less than divine. Cut the telephone lines, and the story's the same." - Ripplin' Waters (Nitty Gritty Dirt Band)

themoonman

17 years 9 months ago

Yes...

I've been there and just couldn't change a poem to fit anyone else's view... and I'll do it again too... I thank you for taking our suggestions seriously and for what it is... only suggestions! We are all differant.. and unique.. and this is a beautiful write.. Richard