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My bare sleepy eyes - experiment

Ice flowers’ burning existence
in their journey to death
reached under the smoothness
of your bare footsteps
and sudden got melt

Pine tree arrows’ tremendously flight
on top of your being
stacked under the skinny
clothes of your heart
and turn into grid

Leaving behind wishes’ hot ash
in the search for freedom
arms’ unfruitful defence
welcomed your pennons
and smoke from the tears

Sleepy eyes starring
in the mirror from dream

Animal ghost, why did you leave?

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Romania, ROU

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Comments

Z

zarul

17 years 10 months ago

GREAT WORK

GREAT, BUT IT CAN BE BETTER WIRH A LITTLE IMPROVEMENT
Marius Surleac

Marius Surleac

17 years 10 months ago

I don't think so... Thank you!

Thank you for the comment. As it's written in the title: "experiment", I think that the poem is good as the way it is. Also, it can not be "great" if needs improvement - see the comment. Can you tell me what should be improved if you said that it would look better with little improvement? Danke!
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 9 months ago

Even as an experiment

this is hauntingly beautiful and evocative. Just one slight quibble, understanding it might be a work in progress- and sudden got melt and suddenly got melted cheers, Jess
P

pinksheep

17 years 8 months ago

gREAT

YOUR ENGLISH IMMACULATE REGARDS