Parallelism - thought about writing

I scratched a word on the window
for the simple fact that I thought
I could escape my mind,
and as reward, a piece of glass
stabbed my ears

I couldn’t talk, I couldn’t hear

I felt asleep under a book;
when I woke up, the blood from my veins
had vanished, leaving behind just tracks …
words with no sense,
words with no connection –
it was like a puzzle.

The wolves of my consciousness
were roaring for food,
the noise was so harsh,
that I had to feed them with words …

My last words were done,
I remained a poor man
But, to save my life, I gave them
the books from my library

Now, it's just me with the wolves …
breathing the same time, the same space,
and sensing – two different dimensions!

— Marius Surleac, Jun 19, 2008

About the Author

Region, Country: Romania, ROU

Critiques

RSScheerer

18 years 1 month ago

Marius

I appreciate the metaphor in this piece, but fear that the meaning is lost behind the obscurity of the words. There are stumbling points; distractions from the logic. "was vanished" - "had vanished" would be the correct grammar in this instance. Your tense changes from past to present, which disrupts the flow of the piece. "I throw my eyes on the floor and start moving" (this line actually seems unnecessary upon re-reading ... a suggestion, "Words with no connection – a puzzle wanting to escape on the same window;") "Perhaps I dreamed about" could also be removed, leading directly into "The wolves of my consciousness" "The noise was so tough!" - is "tough" the word you were looking for here? It implies a meaning that the mind does not usually associate with noise. "The noise was so harsh!" Maybe? You might want to consider removing the exclamation points. The words imply urgency without the need for the punctuation. Finally, "feeling - two different dimensions" ... "existing in two separate dimensions" ... not certain of this suggestion, as it may change the meaning for you. The theme is a good one; I believe that we have all had our battles with the wolves. Consider the suggestions I have offered and see what you think. I don't want to change the message of your piece by misconstruing their meaning. Best, Ronda

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

thank you Ronda

I thank you for the feedback. About the meaning, I know is a bit harsh to understand and there are some stumbling points, but is exactly the way I choose to and is exactly what I intended. You are right about the grammar mistake. Also, the tense changes are provoked like that because I wanted to inflict a mental state between dream and reverie. I will make some modifications and hope will be all right. Thank you very much Ronda Best wishes, Marius

RSScheerer

18 years 1 month ago

You're most welcome, Marius

Your changes made a huge impact. I always leave myself open to the idea that the poet has a reason for writing as they do, so my suggestions are given with that in mind. Great line breaks added here, too. Overall a much smoother read - more potent as well. Thank you for taking the time to consider my suggestions. Best, Ronda

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

Marius, we need to talk about this, email me the poem and I will

say what I can cheers, Jess

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

Take back that comment,

your revisions clarified my concerns. It takes the torments of the the world, the beast and the words and melds them uneasily into a nightmare. cheers, Jess

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

danke!

Hi Jess! I appreciate your support. Thank you very much for your help. Sincerely, Marius

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