rider68

Jun 15, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Dreamy Afternoons

I laze alone, enthralled,
between the trunks, of mighty oaks
parading their twisted canopies,
gazing deeply into the pastel shades,
of velvet Greens, and tints of
silvered browns and greys,

Branches filter cotton string-lets,
Like seams, knitting colours to
This blissful artistic painted sky,
Thought’s lifting, drifting up,
To where Haley spun, smiled,
And quickly shot on by,

Leaving traces of cosmic dust
melting between seas of
afternoon blues
And serenity beckons the evening hue,
As grouse and buck dart in and out of view,

— rider68, Jun 15, 2008

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

purplemoondoll

18 years 1 month ago

Branches filter cotton

Branches filter cotton string-lets, Like seams, knitting colours to This blissful artistic painted sky, Thought’s lifting, drifting up, To where Haley spun, smiled, And quickly shot on by, The imagery in this stanza is breathtaking - wonderful job. I think the first verse could use a little work to draw the reader in to read the rest - to me it lacks the same impact - but I cannot think of any suggestions at present. The middle and last stanzas are brilliant. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Branches filter cotton

Hi Kaz Thanks for reading, glad you loved the 2nd/3rd/stanza, The question is....how to change the first then...? any suggestions would be a great help, Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Janice Pearce

18 years 1 month ago

Rider68

I found this to be enchanting and peaceful, you pulled me in with your words

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Enchanting and peaceful

Hi Janice your perception is exactly how i thought of it, Well lazey and peaceful.... the enchanting bit is an added bonus, Many thanks for reading, Very Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

leonard daranjo

18 years 1 month ago

Great Piece Peter

Reminds me of Walt Whitman's Leaves of Grass: I loafe and invite my soul, I lean and loafe at me ease ... observing a spear of summer grass Dreamy afternoons most eloquently and imaginatively captured. Love the imagery and the line breaks - the poem on the whole is great. Thanks for this enjoyable read. Very best wishes ... Leonard

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Great Piece Peter

Hi Leonard If it allowed your imagination to drift, then great, Thanks for the Reff you gave, and thank you for your thought's and comments Very Best Regards... Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

infinite_dwarf

18 years 1 month ago

Zowie!

Just had a vision of someone laying by a brook, looking up at the sky, and daydreaming. Sadly, it ain't me. (looks at her schoolwork and mutters incoherantly) Nice imagery in this piece here, Peter! ~Jess K. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football He got monkey finger, he shoot coca-cola He say "I know you, you know me" One thing I can tell you is you got to be free Come together right now over me." - The Beatles

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Zowie!

Hi Jess Your Perception of a brook/water was an aspect I had thought of, but, was to lazy to rewrite, or amend, Thanks Jess......I have stolen a few moments, while at work just to reply, Take care....will catch up later, Best Reagards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

MeanderS

18 years 1 month ago

as the velvet brush of your

as the velvet brush of your poem...caressingly touched my soul...it turned me to a child again ...holding the kalieodoscope, reading the serene sky..in speechless wonder. truly, the effortless imagination put into ur poem..sailed me away like a paperboat in the sea of dreamy afternoons... wishes al de v. best!!

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Your Reply,

Hi Meanders; Your beautiful reply has bowled me over,(paperboat in the sea of dreamy afternoons) I love that thought, Thank you so much for taking the time to comment, It's, a great encouragement to keep trying, and to try and do better. Thank you again Kindest Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

MeanderS

18 years 1 month ago

Hi! Peter.. thanku so

Hi! Peter.. thanku so much...it is not the apparent beauty of my reply, but the intrinsic impact an' magic of your poem...that passed such a genuine thought in my mind. The silent, silken impact your poem is bound to do that to any reader naturally. The charm of your poetry is ntoxicating indeed..anyways, thankyou so so much! wishes al the very best!

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Hi MeanderS

I can only say thanks again......I'm blushing at your kind remarks Thank you Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

poewriter58

18 years 1 month ago

Peter

Under the outstretched canopies Of the mighty oaks Somewhere between their massive trunks I idle alone in wonderment and bliss Gazing intently into the pastel shades of velvet greens Tints of silvered browns and greys just a bit of a change try it out or use a variation of It still maintains the peacefulness and tranquility with an overall sensation of awe. Chrystalie

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

As always

Hi Chrystalie As always great suggestions....as soon as i get some time, i shall rework the 1st stanza, Thanks again Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Rett

18 years 1 month ago

Wonderful

I live on the edge of town with two giant live oak trees, a couple of bald cypress, a redbud and numerous pecans. You make me want to go set under them and watch the sky. Problem is it too dang hot! Loved it! Beautifully written with great imagery. Rett ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Some call me lazy, I prefer Energy Conservationist~~~~~~~~~~~~~ That's P.C. speak by the way.

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Wonderful

Hi Gene Thanks for casting an eye over this humble muse, In another time, another place I to would have loved to have sat under those trees in which you describe, sharing a couple of chilled beers, Take care my friend, Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

professor

18 years 1 month ago

Great poem Peter

and one that struck an immediate chord (see my poem "Cocoon" which is exactly the same lying on a froest floor gazing up at the sky through a leaf canopy). Feels like Scotland to be honest with both deer and grouse. These were the lines that i really loved most: Branches filter cotton string-lets, Like seams, knitting colours to This blissful artistic painted sky, Keith PS I think you meant "thoughts" plural rather than "thought's"...and to be honest i felt your first verse scene setter was fine even though it is true the next verse really grabs you more.....and not sure why you broke the second and third verses since they are a pretty much a continuous single stream of thought.

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Great poem Peter

Hi Keith/Proff I am humbled that you have cast your eyes, to my small offering, Thank you to your thought on the first stanza, I did think that it was a reasonable intro to the rest of the poem, But I do quite like the thoughts, that Chrys came up with, Your thought on the 2nd & 3rd stanzas, why did I split them...god knows, wasn't sure if it would be right, submitting a heavy block of text, technically is it wrong?....To the corrections, Thanks I shall amend, Cocoon....What can i say....Masterful. I really do mean that.....reading, really hits home, how far I have yet to go, ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Very Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Candlewitch

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Peter

I loved the feel and tone of the whole poem, especially the reference to the comet! I have no suggestions as I think it is perfect. Always, Cat

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Cat

How are you, Its great to see you posting again, even better seeing your photo, hope your recovery is going well, I have asked after you via Chrys, Thanks for reading, although its been recieved quite well, i just couldn't seem to find the deliverey, of the previous poem,..... Still can't win them all. Great to hear from you, Kindest Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

smart poem...

The poem flows; it has very smart description of those "dreamy afternoons". The stanzas are full of colour (actually that colour, the green of oak's leaves brought me closer to your perception). I imagined myself levitating under the shelter of the mighty oaks, it was like in a paradisiacal forest, I even could smell the fragrance. I like all your stanzas. Though I have to ask you one minor question: "Haley" refers to Haley's comet? Best regards, Marius

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Hi & Thanks Marius

Yes my friend.....Haley, is ref to the comet, I did try and tie that ref in the last stanza, "Cosmic dust" at the time of writing, i realised that not everyone would make the connection, But was unable to find a way round, Thank you for finding and sharing your thoughts, In the short time of writing, i have managed one or two, which have been found to be quite respectable, Thanks again.... Regards Preter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

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