Where I'm at

line one missing something maybe a comma after go no change the sentence it is uncomfortable I was in the place you frequent last night I was where I knew I'd find you last night hey I like that line seeing someone else with you isn't close to what I want Richard if I didn't know better I'd say you were quite the ladies man now if you could fix that first line and the one in the last stanza this will be just fine Isn't this what country songs are made of? Chrystalie

The dark horse is showing through, I must admit i had to read the first line a couple of times, but overall very good..... Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

I agree that first line needs a litle work but the rest was really good. I like the strong ending. The whole poem takes me through the range of emotions until finally you realise it's not worth wasting your time chasing your tail. Well written - I like the flow and rhythm - it drives to poem forward. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

You dirty dog you! [HEHe] Nicely written. I enjoyed this one it seemed country to me and I love the theme!

"Overwhelmed with my need for you I felt you there last night and though the blonde stepped in for you no-one else can do it right." These lines above encompass the entire poem for me; dressed up to misdirect the reader, but I see a yearning or in the process of trying to move on but can't piece here. I think the last line could be "if you want to, you know where I'm at" unless I'm completely off base with my interperation which I have been before. Good write Frost

I'm on the fence about this one. Something with the last line just isn't sitting right. I'll come back to it, and see if I can figure out what it is, and what can be done. ~Jess K. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "He wear no shoeshine, he got toe-jam football He got monkey finger, he shoot coca-cola He say "I know you, you know me" One thing I can tell you is you got to be free Come together right now over me." - The Beatles

how many times have I been in that bar and how many times had I gone into the Handle it if you can crawling writhing drama with the boot shiv and the pocket roll cocaine cowboys and quick girls good watching bad and bad watching good I can see her moving through reverb swaying to the switch of the foot pedal taste of beer and adrenalin of sex rusted dreams copulating cracked formica motel and top floor dooways a thousand worlds behind the meaning of slender smiles (oops got into you poem Moonman I find considerable enjoyment in your works It touchs the hot vein that runs the blackest through my soul..)

....that the "at" is part of the patois. Otherwise, it just won't do. Enjoyed the poem. Yours in peace, Synchro

This poem needs some work, you know that, but the opening line, don't listen to them, it's perfect. Vernacular is what it is, the vernacular between two people close (or in this case, once close). The... country singer, right, is singing to her, not to anyone else, and that line captures that. "I was in the place you go last night." Perfect. It's said to her, and she gets it, she knows what you are saying. And isn't that the point? Loved this bit too: Hoping to run into you and hoping that I don’t seeing someone else with you isn’t close to what I want. My ear says this needs to be longer. You said it was going to be a country song originally, why not go for it. The ending is great though: found his own (or at least will find his own) place. Acceptance, and moving on. Something we must go through sometimes. Hard. And perhaps that is what this needs, I think now, just a little bit more of the hard. A bit more meat in the middle. I liked this, now make it better... Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)

Last night, I was in your place With my back against the wall Had some drinks, caught some winks And tried so hard not to talk you don't have to change it to this form...I'm just showing another possibility I like the raw emotions hiding in this poem....Enjoyable read...thank you Richard

I like the first stanza, and the last, quite a lot. The middle eight-line-rhyming one is the one that feels forced to me. "Overwhelmed with my need for you" in particular trips over itself. Granted I'm not a fan of abcb rhyming at the best of times, but I think the poem would be better if you stuck to the looser feel of the beginning until the last stanza. If part of the poem is about finding his own groove, then maybe he shouldn't find it until he's out of her place and in his own?