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Storm - flashes


Outside the window, plummets were dripping
like soldiers wanting to get through.
Thunders were vibrating the sound
that passed through the glass;
flashes from sky draw in front of my eyes
a subliminal shadow…
I stretched my arm as something
asked for my name riding the atoms.
My thought was the sketch that wanted to get free,
my eyes were one with the glass, one with the blaze –
my legs were broken for every move I dreamed of!
Thunder, lightning’s frost, shadow still –
in a moment my heart gushed,
glass pieces stabbed it…
A soul like air, full of potsherds,
wet, went as a flash of light
and invaded my lungs through my sight.

__________________________________________



Inside the window – a light with a still camera,
beyond the glass some dummies;
only a shadow standing lost in
the attack of the sparks from the sky.
My hair was wet, my body started to tremble,
the lungs were pumping hot vapours,
the sound from above stroked my fragile ear drums…
Then, shadow was missing, people were screaming
I was terrified!

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Romania, ROU

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Comments

infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 10 months ago

Hmm...

I really like it, but needs a little tiny bit of tweaking: "like some soldiers wanting to get through" -> 'some' isn't necessary. If you put a comma between 'window' and 'plummets' it helps the flow greatly. "the sound from above stroked my fragile ear drums…" - if you combine these two into one sentance, instead of seperating the two, it also helps flow. Nice write otherwise, Marius! ~Jess K. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "You name me, entertain Thoughts of peace can overcome anything Mirror spins; wicked tales Here lies reflections of,deceptions of...." - Overjoyed (Jars of Clay)
Marius Surleac

Marius Surleac

17 years 10 months ago

you're right, thank you!

Jess K. you're absolutely right - I now realize that there was needed a comma and "some" is not necessary. Thank you very much for your help. Have a nice day! Best wishes, Marius
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 10 months ago

All I can add to Jess's comments

Is I wonder about the unbroken line seperating the stanzas. Your words convey the subjective/objective difference, the line feels ... kind of technical. Try it without it, but leave it if you feel something is lost. I am involuntarily starting to read your poems as a body of work and notice the recurring theme of shards of glass, piercingly powerful (excuse the pun). An intensely powerful image, glass, transparent yet separating, beautiful when worked as art but intensely dangerous when broken. And it reflects... through the looking glass. cheers, Jess
Marius Surleac

Marius Surleac

17 years 10 months ago

Actually Jess you are the

Actually Jess you are the first person that understood this poem, with a percentage of 99% - for that I thank you. The remaining 1% is "glass is broken" - actually, the glass is not broken at all; when I said: "Thunder, lightning’s frost, shadow still – in a moment my heart gushed, glass pieces stabbed it… A soul like air, full of potsherds" - I meant that the body is transposed psychically for a moment through window and those glass pieces are exactly the interaction between atoms and the basic significance is that the "heart gushed" because of the thunder outside, as a response of fear. Yes, the guy is standing still in the rainy weather in the middle of the street, starring into the glass at his own person. That unbroken line stands as it is because I wanted to inflict apparently two different plans. Best regards, Marius