Marius Surleac

Jun 11, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

Tanka - life and death

Screams and some bells’ waves,
burial of the dead one
in nature’s coffin;
across the road, kids in trees
eat the red juicy cherries

— Marius Surleac, Jun 11, 2008

About the Author

Region, Country: Romania, ROU

Critiques

orgami

18 years 1 month ago

orgami

a flash of visual and aural and rounded metaphors a poem that skips like a stone on mystic waters I appreciate this very much O

purplemoondoll

18 years 1 month ago

Very well written. You really brought this to life for me and touched the senses. Just one point - did you mean waves or wave? Excellent! Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

thank you very much

Hi Orgami. I appreciate your kind comment and thank you very much for your support. I am glad that my texts make the reader feel good. Sincerely, Marius

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

I appreciate your kindness Kaz!

Hi Kaz! I am honoured to have you with a comment on my text. I thank you for your kindness and glad you liked it. About the point - I used "waves" not "wave" because a bell can provoke many waves, not just only one and there are a lot of bells. ;) How are you? Are you ok with the health, because I heard on the site about you and hope you're ok! Best regards, Marius

purplemoondoll

18 years 1 month ago

Ah the waves make sense now.

Ah the waves make sense now. :-) Excellent. Things are improving day by day my friend - the demon tumour has been vanquished and any residual damage it left behind is gradually healing. It will take a while but its worth the journey, things are improving day by day! Thanks for your kind thoughts my friend they are very very much appreciated. :-)and thanks for this wonderful poem :-) Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

purplemoondoll

18 years 1 month ago

Ahhh the waves make sense

Ahhh the waves make sense now. Excellent. It is good news. The demon tumour has been vanquished and any residual damage is gradually healing. Things are improving day by day. It's been a long journey but worth it. Thanks for your kind thoughts. They are very very much appreciated :-) and thanks for this poem, it is a delight to read. :-) Best wishes to you Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

glad you're ok

I am glad you are ok and thank you once again for sharing your opinion within my poem. best wishes, Marius

Alobar

18 years 1 month ago

A perfect juxtaposition of

A perfect juxtaposition of life and death, age and youth. Did you intend the rhyme in the last two lines? It gives a sense of play and youth, liked that, but it may have simply been serendipitous. You have a gift for the tiny poem, I respect that greatly. Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

thank you Alobar!

Hi Alobar! Thank you for your clever opinion. About the rhyme in the last two lines, it wasn't intended - just used cherries and trees, because I remembered about my childhood. Thank you for the feedback, Marius

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

Fucking near perfect.

Such a precise yet feeling contrast. Although your punctuation is correct in the first line the apostrophe in bells' jars. and the hyphen. Perhaps this is a place for incorrectness. I think the meaning would still stand clear. cheers, Jess

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

Cheers Jess!

Thank you Jess for your feedback. Why it jars, should be because gives a rough image? Or, using these is not "fucking near perfect"? Cheers and have a nice day my friend. Glad to have your opinions on my texts. Best regards, Marius

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

the hyphen especially jars

because it feels technical, spoils the nature in the poem. cheers, Jess

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

I've changed it

I know. You're right! Hope that now is ok! Cheers, Marius

weirdelf

18 years 1 month ago

Yes I think that is an improvement.

I am honoured to be of service. cheers, Jess

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

thank you

Thank you for your improving opinions Jess. Cheers and best wishes, Marius

themoonman

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Marius...

just wanted to stop in and say how much I liked this one... seems to be across the board unanimous... thanks for posting. Richard

Janice Pearce

18 years 1 month ago

Marius

Really felt this one, great contrast between what was happening~

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

Richard, Janice...

Richard, Janice I am delight to hear that you liked my poem and the contrast idea beyond it. I am glad to have your kind comments posted on my text. Best regards, Marius

infinite_dwarf

18 years 1 month ago

Marius

What a thing to witness. Yet, they go on eating their cherries as if this is an everyday occurence. Possibly seen as a form of entertainment for them? Nice write. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~ "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson ~ "Tonight's forcast: dark, continued dark tonight, turning to partly light in the morning..." - George Carlin

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

there's no connection between them and the dead one...

Is not about something to witness for but the basic idea of this poem is the matter of life and death, captured in a different shape by my imagination. Beyond the sad ritual of burial which inflicts death, in contrast with that appears the need of life, the sweet taste of life represented by the joyful manifestation of the children. They have nothing in common with the dead one, they do not understand what happens across the road because they don't need to, and not at all is an entertainment form for them. Thank you for your kind comment. Marius

barbsdad2003

18 years 1 month ago

Kids ...

quite oblivious to their own lack of immortality. Again, nice work. Chuck

Marius Surleac

18 years 1 month ago

Thank you Chuck!

hey Chuck, thanks for passing by and for the kind comment. Thank you very much! Cheers, Marius!

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