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LD
leonard daranjo
Jun 07, 2008 ⭐ See this poem's read count — a supporter feature

All Things Must Pass

Voices drifting in a corridor;
the ebb tide swish
of a restless sea;
a diaphanous sun 
splashing  the mid western sky
with myriad colour
and a good night  sigh;
a deflocculating asteroid
in the earth’s atmosphere;


Withering leaves
in an autumn embrace;
a necklace of bleeding
Stars in space;
the evanescence of time
emblazons its hieroglyphic signature
and passes on


I intend doing some futher alterations to this piece.  I feel two more lines need to be added to the first stanza.
— leonard daranjo, Jun 07, 2008
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Critiques

RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 1 month ago

All Things Must Pass

I like the piece as a whole, Leonard. However, the use of such extensive language in such a short piece can sometimes seem overwhelming. A few parts that snagged my attention when reading: "drooling listlessly" - because I have an issue with the image of the sun drooling, perhaps you were looking for a different word, "drooping" maybe? "deflocculating asteroid" - your adjective is too heavy for the rest of the piece; the result is a distraction that the poem does not deserve. "earth's atmospherics" - earth's atmosphere? These are the only areas I would question in this otherwise evocative piece. Best, Ronda
LD

leonard daranjo

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Ronda

Thanks for the input. I quite agree with you. The use of such heavy words in such a short piece could be a distraction. I tend to get carried away sometimes. I guess while writing poetry one has to exercise control and be judicious in the selection of words. Shall keep this in mind. Thanks again and take care ... Leonard
R

rider68

18 years 1 month ago

Control

Hi Leonard- Without question Ronda's critique is always great advice, yet it is clear that you have outstanding imagination, the creativity and injection of thought is quite fantasic, look forward to reading more of your work, Very Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~
LD

leonard daranjo

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Peter

Thanks very much for your most encouraging words. Take care and warm regards ... Leonard
M

Mandy

18 years 1 month ago

Wonderful

I think this is wonderful. It makes me feel very still and awestruck by the universe and the passing of time. Like Ronda, I can't imagine the sun 'drooling' so that disrupts the beauty of the poem for me. And I don't know what 'deflocculating 'means... but what a fantastic word. Will look it up. I love the last two lines. It's a very evocative, beautiful poem. Thank you. Mandy
LD

leonard daranjo

18 years 1 month ago

Hi Mandy

Thank you very much for reading and commenting. There are a lot of question marks around the choice of the word "Drooling". Actually this is a personal perception. Sometimes it appears to me that the rays of the sun – just before it dips into the horizon - are diffused and scattered giving the impression that it is dribbling fire into the clouds like a tired dragon. That is why I chose the word "drooling". Take care and warm regards ... Leonard

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