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wolfycat
wolfycat
Jun 05, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Wind Whipped Sorrow- The Legend

He promised her he'd be around, to see them both grow old
But he left as the wind whipped fast and strong, and the rain fell bitter cold

Numb she sat, she'd lost her friend, she was lonely and afraid,
Thinking back on all their dreams, and all the plans they'd made.

Where could she go to get away, from the memories that flooded her head!
Sometimes when sleep evaded her, she wished that she were dead.

She wanders throught the graveyard now, an insane comfort it brings.
She stands next to an angel, and with a haunting melody sings.

Sometimes you can hear her disclosure, as the wind blows through the trees
It floats upon the star dusted winds, and rushes on the storm swept breeze.

There is no marker where she fell, I'm sure you can feel her plight.
She roams the graves forever, in her black, eternal night.

Don't turn around if you hear her, she'll trap you in her spell.
If you look, you'll be forgotten with her, in her everlasting hell.

— wolfycat, Jun 05, 2008

About This Poem

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Hello Janice,

Thanks so much for stopping to read and for commenting. Have a wonderful evening. Wolfy Cat
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years ago

Hi, Wolfycat

Not a big fan of couplets, but this piece has a nice flow to it and the theme is intriguing enough to hold my attention (I don't exactly do butterflies and rainbows). The last three stanzas were the strongest for me. I have read more of your work (not sure if I commented, now that I think of it!) - while this may not be one of my personal favorites, I believe it will appeal to many readers. Best always, Ronda
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Hello, Ronda...

I'm sure you cannot tell :), but I am a stone-cold amateur as far as writing poetry is concerned (smile). I am not a big love poem, or lost love poem writer, but I started the first three lines several months ago and found it in notepad today. I decided to put something together and finish it. I love to write though, and am trying to get better at it. I desire constructive criticism, and also value other's opinions on what I write, so I truly appreciate you reading this poem and giving me your thoughts on it. I tend to be a confessional poet, and am trying to get out of that mode. There are a lot of things that I've written that are not shared here for fear of being stoned. Alas, what to share has never been easy for me to figure out. Have a great evening, Ronda. Wolfy Cat
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years ago

Let it all out!

No stoning allowed, promise! You're among friends and you know as well as I do that you won't find a better place for help and constructive criticism....there's always the mentor program, too. :) There is nothing wrong with confessional poetry - I plead guilty myself. Loving to write is the first step, time to start running! Come on, you won't fall! You have a wonderful evening as well (and I want to see more work!). My best, Ronda
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

Hey wolfy

I normally skip past the comments before I make my own, to avoid being influenced, but Ronda's grabbed my attention. This is not really rhyming couplets. Each long line, if read aloud, is two or more lines, breaks usually where the commas are, so it is a more complex scheme, which I (and I think Ronda) find far more palatable. Actually I think it could improve it to put those line breaks in. That said I really like the poem. You really turned it around from mundane love-lost to psycho-creepy. A couple of small suggestions as to scansion- an insane sort of comfort, it brings an insane comfort it brings and with a haunting melody, she sings and with a haunting melody sings And there, you’ll be forgotten with her, in her eternal hell. And there, you’ll be forgotten in her eternal hell. Just some thoughts, be wary of the last one especially, could change your meaning somewhat. The line breaks could be enough in each case. Up to you, of course. cheers, Jess
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years ago

See why I don't use rhyme?

... Jess has to come in and offer the suggestions that my brain blocks out with rhyme. I see that you plan to utilize some of his ideas. Looking forward to reading this again! For all my complaint about rhyme, when there is a piece that brings me back this many times, it is the poem itself that holds the power. Best, Ronda
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Hi, Jess

Thanks for the suggestions as to how I can improve my poem. Later today, when I have time, I'll change a couple of things and see how it all fits together. Thanks, Jess. Wolfycat
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Okay...

I changed the two lines that you suggested, Jess. For now, I'll leave the last line alone. What do you think? Wolfy Cat.
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

one last change?

I changed: She roams the graves forever, in her everlasting night. to: She roams the graves forever, in her black, eternal night. I changed: And there you'll be forgotten, in her eternal hell to: If you look, you'll be forgotten with her, in her everlasting hell. Thanks, Wolfy.
Rett

Rett

18 years ago

Sorrow

Well done. I love good rhyme and you made this work well. I am not fond of the everlasting hell line, I think the other worked better, but that is just me. It's your poem and I liked it a lot. Rett
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

this is better.

It is so important for us as a poets to listen in workshop and take what we need and leave the rest. You have kept the integrity of the poem and improved it. cheers, Jess
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Thanks.

Rett, I appreciate your comments, and for reading. Jess, Thanks for the suggestions. it helped me see it in another way. Wolfy.
wolfycat

wolfycat

18 years ago

Ronda,

Thanks so much for your encouragement! Wolfy.