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Frost Smith
Frost Smith
Jun 05, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Distracted

Can’t concentrate No sitting still I’m trying to meditate So please stop until... …Look there's a cat Glowing green eyes Mange fur & fat... …Wonder what I have planned for tomorrow Does anyone have any credit I could barrow That reminds me not to forget my sorrow... …Being what I've always been Here I am again Never had any Zen... ...Aren’t the stars wonderful tonight? Remember when that guy MacGyver was a big star... …Fading back into a dark place Have to keep up the pace Wish they could use the chalk to trace… … Pitiful attempts only lead to more remorse In the mirror a hopelessly incorrigible corpse Lashing out with shattering force
— Frost Smith, Jun 05, 2008

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Country/Region: USA

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Critiques

infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

18 years ago

Did you have to re-submit this one??

I remember this one... one little correction: barrow -> borrow. Good job, the disorientation and inability to focus really comes through. ~Jess ----------------------------------------------------------------------------- ~ "The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants." - Thomas Jefferson ~ "Tonight's forcast: dark, continued dark tonight, turning to partly light in the morning..." - George Carlin
Frost Smith

Frost Smith

18 years ago

Infinite_Dwarf...

I took the original down becasue it just didn't seem to have the stuff...can't really describe it; but I didn't think I would be able to make it work, happy with this so far, still not done though. Thanks for the correction :) Frost
themoonman

themoonman

18 years ago

Hi ya Frost...

yes, I too remember reading this one.. I liked it the first time too.. but it seems some lines were changed and it would appear for the better..like the whole poem but that last stanza is great... Richard
Frost Smith

Frost Smith

18 years ago

themoonman...

I was very unhappy with the orginal; reworked it, still open to suggestions thanks for commenting Frost
Nilmini

Nilmini

18 years ago

ha ha ha

You've made me laugh as I've tasted this when I tried to meditate, some time ago. It was the same when I wanted to study, too. Lots of irrelavent stuff came rushing into my mind. Thanks for the laugh, Nilmini
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

I so relate,

meditation shouldn't be such hard work. You capture that perfectly. Do the last two lines mean actually smashing something or metaphorically smashing down the attempt to meditate? If smashing something then possibly move away from the -ace rhyme for more impact. If not certainly the second last line is a bit clunky. Perhaps Striking with shattering mace or I strike out (something) Also do you ever find that meditative place? A glimpse of that might give the poem an extra dimension. Just some thoughts, cheers, Jess
Frost Smith

Frost Smith

18 years ago

weirdelf...

The last stanza was supposed to mean breaking the window out of frustration; I like the idea of separating the last stanza to make it more powerful; will work on it later, but haven't found peace of mind. thanks for the suggestions Frost
weirdelf

weirdelf

18 years ago

there are many ways, brother

I meditate to loud rhythmic drums (shaman style, about 5 beats a second) it keeps out distractions but makes the meditation experience more deeply visual. Everyone can find a way. You can find yours. cheers, Jess
whitetea

whitetea

17 years 12 months ago

>

hehe. this is like when i try to sleep. i have to still my mind first, but it can get tricky. nice work.