"Fate"

So when I see something labeled as Western Classic, I dig in and identify the pattern. I'm having trouble with this poem doing that. I see the XAXAXAX rhyme scheme where X = an intentionally unrhymed line and A = a rhymed line but the varying syllable count in the lines and the final proclamation line for each stanza really make it difficult to get into a pattern when reading this piece. also, I am seeing some convoluted grammar that used to hit rhymes. My suggestion is that this poem needs either a smoother structure or no structure at all. Are you up for a re-write where you can smooth out the syllable count? As an example: -------------------------- I’ve viewed the scene from the canyon And the hilltop, in that regard, Yet the angle of perception Hasn’t made anything less hard. Should the panes of my life shatter No doubt I’ll clean-up every shard. Oh Fate you fickle confidant -------------------------------------- Breaking the comment/proclamation line out from the rest of the stanza will reduce confusion for the reader. Now, should you choose no structure, remember, the flow of free verse is best when it mirrors natural conversation. As an example: --------------------------------------- I've watched life from the canyon And the hilltop And the valley's floor But no angle or perception Has eased the burden Or softened the steps Or reduced the pain. And should, One day, Life shatter And fall glistening, Sparkling, At my feet, I will, As always, Fix what can be fixed And clean up the rest And wonder At Fate, My companion, With trepidation and awe. -------------------------- I understand it is presumptuous of me to offer modifications to you work. I honestly do not expect you to embrace them, only use them, perhaps, as ideas for your own modifications. I provide examples, not because I believe I can state your vision and voice better than you can but rather because I find examples more helpful than lectures. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)