New Year's Eve

Fire works light up the night's dark skyHopes for a 'Happy New Year'cheer up every mind. Brand new calendarreplaces the old oneBirthdays, anniversariesto be marked on.Little Jenny dreams of herbirthday in May.30th June to be marked asFanny's wedding day. Radio blares witha special news alert"Another bomb gone off at Central Market.Twenty nine dead;Casualties, fifty six.Go to the nearest police station to check the death list." Twelve more months to gobefore the next calendar.Meanwhile what other unmarked events will occur? How many funerals will I attend,with sorrowful heart?Or am I destined to go up in the next bomb blast?Floods, earth quakes...what else, could be there?Oh God, do have mercy.It's too much to bear!

— Nilmini, May 16, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: LKA

Critiques

Michael Landau

18 years ago

Some suggestions

Hi Nilmini, I have a few suggestions for the first three stanzas. I was going to make suggestions for the rest, but I decided that it wasn't a good idea for me to make changes to the other parts. How about this for the first three stanzas? Fire works light up the night's dark sky Hopes for a new year cheer every mind. Brand new calendar replaces the old Birthdays, anniversaries All to unfold Little Jenny dreams of her birthday in May. 30th of June Fanny's wedding day. Also I thought maybe you could change the title to something like "Marking The Dates (or days)". I thought that since most of it is related to dates on the calendar, the title should be more related to something about the calendar. These are just my suggestions. I hope you don't mind. Sincerely, Michael

Nilmini

18 years ago

Thank you

Wow Michael, This is exactly what I've expected. I'm so thankful for your comments & I love the changes you've suggested. The idea came to me & just went on putting it down. I felt it should be more refined, but didn't understand how. So I was hoping a friend would help me. I'd appreciate it if you could go on reading through the rest & make your suggestions on it, too. I've already decided to edit this after some more comments. Thanks again. Nilmini

Michael Landau

18 years ago

The rest of my suggestions

Hi Nilmini, Below, is the rest of your poem. You can see what changes I made. I tried very hard to remain true to the spirit of your poem. Radio blares A news alert Another blast At Central Market Fifty six hurt Twenty nine dead; All will be missed Go to the station Check the death list Twelve months to go Before the next year Meanwhile what other Events that I fear? How many funerals Before the last? Will I lose all my friends? Or, go up in a blast? Such sorrow Such sadness Such pain in my heart Enough pain and suffering To tear me apart! Floods, earth quakes… What else, could there be? Oh God, do have mercy. Have mercy on me! Please keep in mind that these are only suggestions. I did add an extra stanza, but I was only expanding on the "The sorrowful heart line, which I took out, but added the stanza to keep the idea in the poem. I hope you don't mind the changes that I made. Ultimately, you as the author need to decide if they should be made. Michael

Nilmini

17 years 12 months ago

Michael

Sorry for taking so long to thank you for this. I've decided to change the name into "Calendar markings". Let me know what you think about it. I'm very happy with your suggestions & ready to change the poem in certain places. I hope that you or some one else would be pleased to explain me whether I'm allowed to do that. Could I still be the auhtor & the owner of the revised version? Am I entitled to publish the revised version in my name? Regards, Nilmini

Michael Landau

17 years 12 months ago

Nilmini

Your title sounds fine to me. As far as I'm concerned, you can use any of my suggestions, and still be considered the author of the poem. I don't know what other people would say, but as far as I'm concerned, you can use anyone's suggestions, and still publish a poem in your name. I think that in most cases, when someone makes suggestions he or she hopes that the author will use the suggestions that are being made. If someone here has a different point of view than mine, I certainly hope they will express it here. Regards, Michael