0

Smiles:) Barbara Can't think of a better way to fall asleep. Nice poem enjoyed reading.

A lovely poem in spirit. In this line: "Making them blush as a rosy pink." I don't think "as a" is necessary. Always, cat

There are a few problems here...mostly of logistics. If the poet is close enough to have his breath blowing through her hair, he couldn't really watch her sleeping...he'd see only about an inch or two of skin and/or hair. Your lip color metaphor is a bit imprecise...the color on the snow at sunset would vary radically from moment to moment...and if those lips are seen in the moonlight, they probably would be pretty dark in hue. Check "she'll whispers"...Now why "ye little birds"? Pretty archaic language. And if there are "many wings" that means an awful lot of birds singing in her ears as she sleeps. I'm not sure anyone would want that, even just dreaming it. Would soft wind and dew bring a blush to the cheek?....doubtful. And finally if her lips curled to "kiss shape," her voice would reflect an effected pucker...comical rather than romantic. Do you see my point? These little things must make sense. Your language is lovely, but when you think about it, the total effect I think, is not what you want. Yours in peace, Synchro

I am reasonably well-educated, but not a Latin scholar. If you care to communicate with me in the usual English for this site, we might be able to establish some common understanding. Yours in peace, Synchro

Regardless of the logistics that have been bantered about - I think this is an excellent work. One little question - did you mean to have 'whispers' as a plural in the line "so she'll whispers in my ear?" ~Lynn (Jess K.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ~ "Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling??"

Oleum addere camino = put oil on the fire. Stabit quocunque jeceris! = wherever you throw me, I will stand. ~Lynn (Jess K.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ~ "Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling??"

Morning Drachm, my old friend, I don't see the calamity of negative comments that you wrote to me about. Don't mind the comments of Synchro, he was in fact being picky and boorish. Poetry does not have to make sense and in fact most poems are about emotions and feelings, not about correct perceptions of the world as it really is. Ignore comments like that. Have a great day. :) Patrick/AO

and if indeed, as Patrick says, I was being picky and boorish, I do apologize. You requested "raw truth" and to be "knocked on your back" so I responded as that truth seemed apparent to me. I never meant to be unkind. I both agree and disagree with him about perceptions and emotions. Certainly perceptions do not have to reflect a logical world. However, they do need to be consistent with their OWN logic, always. Emotions of course, are certainly not denied. As to ignoring my remarks, then I think critiques can never be taken seriously. I joined this site in the hopes of getting and making them. I do believe that each poet has a complete right to disregard that which he or she disagrees with. However, if we are to ignore each other, that is sad, unless the "ignoree" is being deliberately cruel. I hope I was not. Yours in peace, Synchro