5

To take this poem one step farther, Try maintaining one tense form at least in each stanza. Example: The morning awoke most cloudy and dark Gray billowy skies formed into an arc Ominous, posed a murky destiny As the blacksmith drank his hot black coffee or The morning awakes most cloudy and dark Gray billowy skies form into an arc Ominous, posing a murky destiny As the blacksmith drinks his hot black coffee I prefer the second example for it makes the reader feels that it’s happing while they’re reading. This poem is more like an oil painting on a black velvet canvas….from which one can never get enough! The storm in the background….the“I want more charcoal” and “Bam, bam, bam, bam”….make this poem alive! I was not sure if to give it 4 or 5...5 represents how much I enjoy this poem and 4 represents that there might be some place for improvement but still not sure where. When I know I'll add more. I consider this poem a masterpiece!

However stretching for rhyme, and weak rhymes take away from it, destiny/coffee is particularly bad. I really think this could do with some work, read it aloud in a natural voice you will hear where you scansion fails. cheers, Jess

I would consider having another look at stanza six, first two lines. The conflagration soon becomes a white-hot blazer, The entire smithy ablaze as a red-hot ember. I find the repetition of -hot a bit cumbersome. Also blazer means jacket, the noun of blaze is blaze. Fixing it would take away the rhyme, but blazer jars for me, along with the repetition in ablaze. Just my opinion. I like the poem more the more I read it, the analogy between the work and the weather is elegantly handled, cheers, Jess

Second stanza/third line “from of the oven” is this a common expression or an overlooked error? How about “Taking a piece of brown loaf bread out of the oven” Third stanza The punctuations and the coordinating conjunctions may need some revision In this stanza, I think you were trying to say that despite the bad weather the master continued to work, right? So the first two lines are connected to the third line by a coordinating conjunction “But” [Coordinating conjunctions= and, but, or, nor, for, so, yet] If the sentence after “but” is independent (ie; complete sentence) then there should be a comma before “but” Example I went to the store, but I forgot my wallet. (Comma before but) (I forgot my wallet is a complete/independent sentence) I went to the store but forgot my wallet. (No comma before but) (Forgot my wallet is incomplete/dependent sentence) In this stanza 1. I think “yet” is better than “but” 2. and “rises” is better than“raises” 3. Add a semicolon (;) at the end of the first line to connect the first line to the second line for they’re both are complete/independent sentences (Semicolons are used to connect complete sentences) 4. The verbs in the fourth line may need some revision…not sure what is “having readied” means!...I wrote what I understood Outside his house, the storm continues its brewing; Clouds become heavily laden with outburst pending, Yet the old Master rises and walks to the smithy, While the two journeymen( ? ) the forge’s body. Bored?....(smile)…I feel tired right now…I’ll read the rest of it in some other time…Salaam

Both weather and the sweat of two men tied in together very well You have a great piece here I enjoyed it immensely!