rider68

May 03, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Fallen Soldiers

Dark Storms in offering shades of black,
greys meet green, silhouettes of skyline trees
blinkered by rains of mist,beleaguered shouts quenched by gods ofStorm: ranting a thunderous oncore, looking - Below instructions bled to sons, of whichTheir fathers lie entrenched, first aid succumbedTo pallbearers, banners torn, covering chardsevered remains, ack ack resumes enticinggods to shout once again their replies in vain, men advancing leaving their boyish shadowsin the grass, bayonets affront deathly accountsof conquests, as they storm battlements, clearingpaths for stretchered friends - fathers that failedin tasks, that their generals had cried last, alone afoot they gather one by one survivors of theaftermath, shouldered side by side, forwardly trenching,the souls of comrades felled meadows sodden, dykesbloat to river streams, fields cleansed, sieved of decaydisease, and death Is carried away to dark blue sea’s, Fallen soldiers entombed, as Mother Nature heals herTorn womb, meadows again – green, carpets of redfeed off the unknown dead, tranquillity restored;An epitaph for relatives of the dead………

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Comments

poewriter58

18 years ago

Peter

a smoother transition would be dark storms in offer shades of black greys meet green correction on core did you mean encore? other than that what I just read echoes the tragedy of war and death nice writing as always Chrys

rider68

18 years ago

Thanks as Always

I feel that i have begun to grow, and am finding greater depth, your guiding critique has been a great Help, Thanks for your continued support Peter

weirdelf

18 years ago

I find this problematic.

Great imagery, well written. The overall effect for me after multiple re-readings is a the bleak war seen/scene in sporadic flashes of lightning during a storm, a series of phrasal vignettes. Perhaps that's what you intended. The first impression though was that it was just a series of phrasal vignettes with fairly arbitrary line breaks. Listen, I'm really not sure whether this works for me or not, or how to fix it if not. You could try bringing it up your word processor and using / between phrases. But that could look a bit moderne. Certainly I would change the punctuation in the first line to a simple ellipsis, ... not ;...... change oncore to encore and last line leaves me wanting. Is the whole thing the epitaph or the previous 3 lines? Don't get me wrong, just critiquing for you, it is a damn fine poem cheers, Jess

rider68

18 years ago

I find this problematic.

Thanks Jess, Yes the first line needs correcting, at first i tried for a long pause but as the story unrolled, i failed to adjust the beginning and on core was a typo - encore, I tried to maintain a vauge and simplistic account, seen through the eyes of a tank approaching from a distance riding up the slope at the point of tilt, Blackness of the sky,greys meet green...Being freeform i wanted the breaks, to play to the imagination, the last stanza is years later, my thoughts were of the fields forgotten soldiers carpets the red poppies relatives gather meny men lost no names just a plaque in rememberence of them, a yearly occurence for some, Thanks so much, Please come back if i haven't cleared the way Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

goatman

18 years ago

Hmm...

Are you using words like beleaguered and pallbearers as an affect, or are you trying to sound smart? I'm not sure, you tell me.

rider68

18 years ago

Hmm.....To Convince........

Only and i mean only a very slight play to what you ask,Beleaguered- implies submissive, if you were in the dugouts with shell fire all around young at heart tentative, as to pallbearers, the living are stretchered, the dead - Pallbearers means carriers of coffins, Not smart just researched, Thanks i enjoyed your critique thank you for your comments and reading, Very Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

infinite_dwarf

18 years ago

Peter

Good imagery on war. The only thing I found a slight problem with was the line 'ack ack continues', would 'nauseation continues' work better? ~Lynn (Jess K.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ~ "Bush is listening.... use big words!" ~ "Your inferiority complex is better than mine..."

weirdelf

18 years ago

umm, Lyn, ack ack is not retching

it is a type of anti-aircraft gun. I'm not sure but I think the name is onomatopoeic. cheers, Jess

rider68

18 years ago

umm, Lyn, ack ack is not retching

Hi Lynn Ack ack is the sound of guns, the suggestion of heavy artillary and or anti aircraft, with this, I hope that, that gives a better picture, Thanks for stopping by, I will inlighten further in another reply, ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Frost Smith

18 years ago

Rider68...

Powerful topic, The technical could use some work; priamryly the spacing; take the first paragraph. Dark Storms in…… offers shades of black - greys meet green silhouettes of skyline trees, blinkered by rains of mist beleaguered shouts quenched by gods of Storm: ranting a thunderous oncore, looking - Don't know if I was missing something; just my opinion, don't know if it helps Frost

rider68

18 years ago

Hi Frost

Although freeform i have tried to keep a uniform to the stanzas which has created this slight problem, I have received various thoughts, and will address for a better read, Thank you very much for stopping by Best Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

infinite_dwarf

18 years ago

Sorry Peter, and Jess

The first thought I had when reading was that the 'ack ack' was the retching of live soldiers over the dead ones, odors, etc... I stand most humbly corrected. ~Lynn (Jess K.) ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ ~ "Bush is listening.... use big words!" ~ "Your inferiority complex is better than mine..."