400 Rods Above Mount Tija

Like a loving caress I feel the mist
Swath me and nestle me as I drift
And make my meandering way
Through turbulent banks of clouds
And emerge, though briefly,
Into the sunshine
Before again,
Listlessly,
Being
Cloaked.

Soaked,
Fleeing,
Possibly,
From sun's disdain
Though I don't malign
That glistening marquee
That, I know, creates the shrouds,
The colossal intense bouquet,
Through which my travels, though oft not swift,
Will bring tranquility, should I persist.

— Pugilist, Apr 14, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

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Critiques

Jonathan Moore

18 years 1 month ago

This is an experiment

and I'm not all that enthralled with the result. It is highly structured, though you may have to dig to discover it, and it does rhyme, though, again, not in any obvious manner. This is one of those "Hey, this might be cool" ideas that I nearly crumpled up and threw away when 80% complete. But I thought "Hell, let's finish it and let someone else tell me what they think." So, PLEASE, do not hold back. You cannot say anything negative that I have not already thought of. If you have anything positive to say, PLEASE tell me why because, in all honestly, this is, possibly, the least favourite thing I have completed in the last 10 years. Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Skumpfsklub

18 years 1 month ago

Proximate and distant rhymes

It's a pretty structure that doesn't seem to do much but be a pretty structure. I don't see it doing anything useful for the reader. I can readily see how it might be useful for the writer, supplying a series of small journeyman tasks to focus on (finding the next line that fits the schema and works with the probably still vaguely formed situational context and consequent brainwave) while the design process goes on. The rubric 'proximate and distant rhymes' calls attention to a theory I have that is blasted by this poem. The palindromic rhyme scheme supplies a plenitude of rhyming pairs at distances ranging from one to nineteen lines. Ample sample. It tests my notion that rhymes couple ideas in the reader's mind, and that the effectiveness of the linkage was a function of distance. WRONG! The rhyming lines here simply destroy that theory. No rhyming pairs here link the lines together mnemonically, nor conceptually, so clearly there is something wrong with my conjecture if I cannot find good cause to except this poem from the scope of conjectural claim. ---- Structure is irrelevant to the content here, Jonathan; no great ill effect, but no perceptible useful effect, either. The content's worth re-use. Don't throw out what you have. Type it again for optimal 'local melody', perhaps? This form isn't useful (except as I note above) at this length. Probably there is use for a shorter palindromic rhyme scheme (the petrarchan stanzas come to mind in this regard), and you might have some interest in finding the practical bounds of utility for palindromic forms. Perry

Jonathan Moore

18 years 1 month ago

I believe you've nailed it

On a shorter scale it could be effective but with the length and rhyme pattern the structure is useless. It becomes a structure for structure's sake rather than a device to support the message or meter, as you've indicated. I will take another pass at the content though, as suggested. Thanks Perry for the review and your cogent thoughts and comments. They are always appreciated. Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)