Alobar

Apr 17, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Before Winter's Freeze

When I look at you now
After all these years
I can still see hints and echoes
Of the little girl I never knew,
Of the child
Before your innocence was stripped away
As time does,
And you became that woman I met
Fell in love with
And am still enraptured and surprised by
As we walk the final few miles
Of this magical forest trail
That ends with unimaginable visions of
Falling leaves and setting suns,
Treasured memories to be lost
In darkness

I will hold you as the chill descends
And tell you about the forest’s majesty
In dim light
With fading breath;
That you listen
Is as close to rapture that I will ever come.

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: CAN

Comments

themoonman

18 years ago

Alobar...

It is at least acceptance if not rapture...which to me is very close...we all want someone to walk the trail with..beautiful pictures in this piece.. Richard

Calliope

18 years ago

I thought

...this was haunting and beautiful.Good one ,poet. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

Candlewitch

18 years ago

Alobar, this is completely

Alobar, this is completely exquisite! Such is the way of loving. Always, Cat

poewriter58

18 years ago

alobar

I would like to suggest that you split the first stanza perhaps at the point and you became the etc drop the and then continue the rest as a new stanza very nicely done Chrys

Alobar

18 years ago

Gave your suggestion some

Gave your suggestion some thought. I think it is all a compete thought, and needs to be retained as one stanza, but you re right, a break is needed. I have added a comma to give pause, and breath, making the phrase Of the child Before your innocence was stripped away As time does, almost parenthetical. Does that work better? Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)

Jonathan Moore

18 years ago

Excellent imagery

As I have come to expect from you. I'm looking at the updated version and the only place I stumbled was near the end: ------------------------- I will hold you as the chill descends And tell you about the forest’s majesty In dim light With fading breath; That you listen Is as close to rapture that I will ever come. ------------------------- I did not understand the context of "That you listen" the first three or so times I read it and I don't mention it because it needs to be changed. Once I slowed down and paid attention to the punctuation the meaning and context became clear. I don't have any suggestions that would add value to the piece, just wanted to mention a spot where some people may raise questions. Again, very well written. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

Alobar

18 years ago

Predominately due to your

Predominately due to your commentary, I have been paying more attention to punctuation and have thusly found my work improving, I think. As I've said to you in the past, I like to go minimalist on the punctuation--let the reader find their own path--but once in a while a signpost marking a particularly sharp curve is needed. Thanks again. Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)

Barbara Writes

18 years ago

sweet alobar

Smiles:) Barbara truly enjoyed this perfect imagery, perfect flow read a second time and it got even better five stars

Amaranthine

18 years ago

I adored the forest metaphor

I adored the forest metaphor and especially the section about the darkness - eluding to loss of memory perhaps. This is written with such affection for the subject - it is inspiring. This person is lucky to have you in their life and it seems as if you feel blessed for each moment you are with them - that is love. A couple of nit-picky things you can take or leave: "When I look at you now After all these years I can still see hints and echoes Of the little girl I never knew," (You can't really see echoes... so I question whether adding echoes here helps to improve the poem - I don't think you need it) And you became that woman I met Fell in love with (If you fell in love, you obviously met - I think you can simply say the woman I fell in love with and omit "met") Overall, fantastic write and I am eager to read more of your work.

Alobar

18 years ago

met/fell in love with. It

met/fell in love with. It seems to work either way, and I don't think any meaning is lost by taking your suggestion and getting rid of that bit, but I like how it sounds; simply that, I just like how it sounds. Now echoes you can so see, you just have to look harder, more carefully. Their waves and ripples roll through us like magic on a daily basis, they are part of our fabric, our weave... the echoes of our history are rich in colour, thick with texture, and visually stunning to the ear.... Or am I stretching poetry too far, brining the elastic of metaphor just too many inches away from the truth? No matter, you see where I'm going with this I'm sure, and I think it's just artistic choice. Thank you very much for your kind comments, and I did think seriously about your suggestions, as they are quite valid, but I think I must reject them. Please though, don't let that deter you from commenting on any of my other work, they were astute and well thought-out ideas (showed definite time was spend with my piece, which is praise beyond measure within itself). Thank you again. Alobar (Just my two cents, spend them on gum if you wish.)