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Confusion

                          I am
                     married to
                 a man that has
              no concern for me.
         He just loves the pretty
                picture, I create,
                      of family.
                            So,
                      no matter
                  how hard I try
                   he wouldn't
                      let go, of
                           me
                   
                        Then
                       I loved
               this other guy,
           who is married and 
                    occupied.
                         But
                     he told
               me a story with
     'happily ever after' at finish.
        Then suddenly thought,               
           to love, he's too old.
             So dumped me
                   and has
                      gone.

                       Now
                     I know
                    the third
                  in the row.
             He is single and
                 ready to say
                        I do.
                         He
                    pleads for
             my love and hand
              and for a chance,
                 to prove he's
                    the man.

                        But
                       after
                 the second,
           I've run out of love
         Lost among the three,
               I wonder what
                       now.
 

— Nilmini, Apr 09, 2008

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Country/Region: LKA

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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

you sound

very confused suggestions only first stanza it is understood you are speaking about yourself there fore if you drop the me at the end it would still hold the same meaning although I see you used it to rhyme it is unnecessary 2ns stanza "so dumped me and has gone" seems there is something lacking in that it doesn't seem to enhance the rest of the stanza and brings it down somewhat perhaps finding another way of stating the idea "I wonder what now" appears to leave the the poem flat give this poem a little spark just suggestions and how I am reading it
Nilmini

Nilmini

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks

thank you so much poewriter for taking time to read it & comment. I know that I should try to improve this. As this idea came into my mind, I just couldn't resist writing. Apart from the idea & the rhyming, I was concentrating on the shape of the poem, too. And the original poem looks different to the one that appears here, with all the lines aligned to the centre. The stanzas were in several diamonds. With the less facilities here, I couldn't arrange it like that. I appreciate your ideas & wonder if you could do me a favour by rearranging this, the way you think best. It will help me in improving myself. Thanks again, Nilmini