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paul
paul
Apr 03, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Life Forgotten

This pen craves a blank padLike a fatherless child wants their dadEmotions held within and time to break freeHis conscience loudly will never be able to agreeAll his feelings crowd his mind like a busy streetHe sees the way out and asks god if there ready to meetA sin to religion but a solution to this young manSatan convinced to pull through with the planLittle bill looks confused at the dirty tableThe door is locked and mom is addicted to cableAs he proceeds to pick his weapon of choiceConscience speaks to him in his own voiceTells him that nothing is worth self destructionRecovery is waiting to be allowed to functionBill looks at both choices as he falls to the floorParamedics run quickly to a closed doorHis mother looks shocked as her son criesAfter many attempts he entered the skiesNo happy ending to make you feel okayA life forgotten is lost this dark day
— paul, Apr 03, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: New York, USA

Favorite Poets: Cavafi, Sylvia Plath and Neopoet as a whole.

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Critiques

Mark

Mark

18 years 2 months ago

Off The Get Go

Paul, in the second line you have a plural then a relative singular. You need to check your spelling ex- there (3rd line) I'm finding this a bit flat. When I say that I mean something about it feels missing like it needs more life. I hope to come back. Mark
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 1 month ago

Paul

First of all, I hate the fact that I have to scroll up and down between what I write here and what I read there! Not that it has anything to do with anything. Merely suggestions, based on the rhyme and rhythm: "like a fatherless child wanting his dad" "emotions within are allowed to break free" "his conscience does not have the will to agree" "emotions crowd like a busy street" "he thinks of solutions and ways to retreat" "a sin to religion but salvation for one man" "a darker side pulling him towards his plan" not certain about the part with the table, although I like the idea of the mother addicted to cable, chosing it over her own child's care There are a few more suggestions, but it looks like I'm butchering your work and I don't mean to do that. The piece doesn't hold the emotional impact that the subject matter needs. As I've said, work on how you want to write until you are confident enough to feel it. Don't rely on rhyme for the sake of rhyme. Try some freeform, just as an exercise. See how it feels. I can help with that. It isn't bad poetry, it just has room for improvement. Ronda
L

leahanae

17 years 1 month ago

Love it

I actually love this poem..yes there could be more emotion but it is very good just the way it is. It gets me imaging... looking at a picture.. and any poem that can get my hard head to visual something is pretty good in my book.. nice!
O

orgami

17 years 1 month ago

all things dark

i can see where poets find it flat but I looked at it again and can hear the slow beatbox the spoken rap emminem and yaz comes to mind i like the rhymne i mean its a rhyming poem Like the "moms addicted to cable" that was good I liked it you need to post more so I can read more thanks