Peaceful Times

I really like that subject. How Gods creation operates, awaking his creatures at dawn and starting out on a new day s journey. To me this was very well done.

Stick with it Barbara :) Because NLP published it does not mean you need stop working on it :) I have changed many published works of mine from when I was first growing as a poet :) Mark

despite its acclaim I find it a bit... um... trite? A lovely series of images but somehow I just don't believe it. Just the opinion of a jaded old shit, perhaps best to ignore me. One practical thing though, I find san serif fonts work better on screen, serif-ed fonts read better from the page, cheers, Jess

Even after hitting F5 (refresh) Oh and re-reading it I realise that you have made me see and feel something I don't know. That means bloody good poetry. cheers, Jess

not religious but spiritual devotional,I could see how it would be published. (I read Daily Bread every now and then). A reflective write in its genre. In ink, Dabbler ps this is an example of non-sermon devotional poetry.

Opens our eyes, hearts and minds to each new day of creation and nature. Captures the thoughts and minds of the reader, in my view that makes for a nice piece. This said, although I may be mistaken, I feel it would benefit from the following small alterations maybe? Line 11 - sprinkle add 's' Line 12 - delights remove 's' Line 15 - reappear add 's' after 'tomorrow' and 'sometime' add ',' Don't know see what you think, after all it is your poem - your right to keep or change. No offence intended, just hope you find notes useful in some small way. Thank you for sharing. ;) Anna-Marie.

Simple poem, simple theme, carried out competently, but no wow factor. Nothing in this poem shone (forgive the pun) any brighter than the thousand similar poems I have read. The inspiration is there--how can it not be?--but I don't see anything new here. Play with language, use the whole palette, paint a picture that truly shows the Greatness of what is in front of you. Oh yeah, did you mean to use "awesome" twice? Teenagers and surfers have robbed this word of much of its power. You might want to look for another.

Well for one, I found the poem lacked colour, which is odd for the scene is as colourful as it gets. Emotion was not built, no swell of the magnificent welled-up inside me, as it would be as I looked upon, what for me anyway, is the face of God. I liked the alliteration here: "sunset sprinkle’s the skies," gave a calming, at peace feel. More of that. I guess when I say palette, I mean more than just words, but what English teachers call figures of speech, or technique. And viciously avoid cliche. The opening three lines, for instance, I felt needed more detail, a broader canvas--give the subject it's due. An awesome (or impressive) sunrise: why is it awesome? Tell me. Paint it for me. Bring me inside the sky, let me live there for the few moments, with your eyes I gaze upon the divine. Pretend I'm blind perhaps.

The poem carries rustic elements of romanticism, its a song of life...message clearly conveyed and rich in images,good poem!

Wow, it's like a whole new poem. In fact, it IS a whole new poem; but if I may, I would suggest some grammar changes and some line breaks. Then turn away, return, re-read, rest, then re-write tomorrow, when the sun has again risen. My suggestions: Sunrise beaming emission awakens all God's elaborate creations entire earth emerge spirit from within {this line doesn't read quite right} The birds soar, golden skies the insects leap copious foliage the animals forage in a garden-like domain People liberally rejoice iniquity vanished the populace gaily toils in its habitual bliss buoyant, diverse existence established Sunbeams hours culminates {"Sunbeam's hour culminates" or "Sunbeams/hours culminate" wasn't sure what meaning you meant here} incandescent sunset sprinkles yellow skies with white translucent clouds over indigo firmament Breathtaking creations relaxes {either "creations relax" or "creation relaxes"} dawn rolls away rich bustle settles for dusk crescent moon over luminary nightfall reappears with dreams of tomorrow's innovative outlook paradise: same time same place I added and subtracted some grammatical pieces as suggestions, please, please, disregard any you think foolish or disagree with. This is really a very different poem now, and is still very much a work-in-progress, and I think there may be some other avenues for you to explore still within this work. As I said, take some time focused elsewhere, come back to it tomorrow. It is interesting to see the journey you have set forth on. I will watch keenly and see where you end up. Again, these are just my two cents, take them and spend them on gum if you wish.

I often start with a few lines merely for ideas if i have time to sit and ponder, why? Because like yours my mind steams ahead when at work, just wanting to pour into print before that ever decreasing memory stupidly forgets what it wants to record in a senior moment! Alas, I think I haver solved the problem, as my birthday approaches I think I am going to ask for a simple small dictaphone onto which I can record the ideas and start over as wished. Great idea eh? At least that way I get through less paper waste and have opportunity of hearing what a verse sounds like too? Mmmm. wonder if it will work. Am excited about this piece for you Barbara; so much opportunity to really make it your own. Paint pictures that will remain in your readers mind long after they finish reading - affect them in some way ... Am learning from this myself - great posts, keep them coming?

Getting The Words Right how to edit and re-write is a great book, Barbara. Knowing what is you and taking from that book what is you will really "rocket" your talent with some coston skills I believe. Hope you can get a copy of it. Looks like you're really having a blast with words here lol Couldn't be in a better place to do it :) You Go ! Mark

cheers, Jess

It's a different poem yet again, I turn my head, something new from Barbara. This new version has a new theme, I think, more global, less personal. Interesting that you went in that direction. Never know where the journey will take you, eh? I think it works in this form, and the pared-down lines fit the new theme better. I am noticing a couple lines that I'm not sure on, however: God creations awaken {did you mean "God's" here?} thus springs to life the earth productive garden {and here, should it be earth's, or at under delightful eyes, sees least a line break?} the insects’ fluttering {remove apostrophe, I think} I've really enjoyed watching this poem morph and grow--the creative process in action. Fabulous.

Sounds like heaven, Barbara. "Wouldn't it be nice . . ." Your poem is a pleasure to read :) Thanks, Mark

Simply beautiful throughout, Barbara. Your views/comments appreciated and noted always!

Barbara Workshop at it's best, Having read the constructive comments, you have embraced and delivered a beautiful conclusion, Brilliant.... Regards Peter ~~~~~~~~~Creativity Is to think more efficiently~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Barbara..your poem talks about a world which we all dream about...thanks for taking me there. Rahbar.