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On the Road to Shrantashol

The sky like lead, the sun like doom,
A view of dread, we might assume.
A cloak like fear, the humid breeze,
Sounds a melancholy reprise

Of footsteps trod, on silent trail,
A sad facade, with sparse detail.
A mask of pain, the dawning day,
Held tightly bound in disarray

Of hopes and schemes, of fragrant lies,
Of screams and dreams, that paralyze.
A shroud of hate, the blackened sun,
Drains jubilance from everyone.

Upon this path, folk tread with care.
Though brimmed with wrath, they do not dare
To voice reproach, the caustic praise,
That smothers like some dread malaise.

They make their way, through ruinous caves.
A stark display, of dark conclaves,
To breach a dike, of apathy
And wade against Sorrow's debris

That litter floor, that clutter soul,
That some abhor, that some extol,
That blunt desire, kill ambition,
Waging wars of foul attrition.

Though hope has fled, though spirit's crushed,
Though joy's been shed, though courage hushed.
Though Anguish tolls, its dark decree,
Some won't embrace Eternity.

Beyond complaint, they will advise.
Their thin restraint, can still devise,
An attitude, of confidence,
That's more than cursory pretense.

With calm intent, they grasp the day.
Reject lament, defeat dismay,
Master terror, crush wistfull tears,
Define the world as more than fears.

— Pugilist, Mar 23, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: Jacksonville area, FL, USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Keats, Kipling, Carroll, Yeats, Tolkien, Shakespeare

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Critiques

Mark

Mark

18 years 2 months ago

Pugs, are you saying

in 2 of 2nd, a sad deception? (am in English -101 lol )Is there a mark under the c there? I need to read it quite slow and certainly cannot run through it but slow is good. I had quite a pleasing feel from it even though the subject seems like a war zone. Don't know what to tell you about the last 3. Why is this ; after ambition? I was thinking it used mainly to signify the beginning of a list but not really sure. Regards, Mark I shall return :)
A

Alobar

18 years 2 months ago

Just time for a quick

Just time for a quick comment: the poem reads like breathing, the rhythm of breath, at rest. It could easily devolve into sing-song, but, through language and word-choice you avoided this pitfall, a very difficult feat in the couplet, rhythmic structure you've chosen. Nicely done. Sorry, no time to analyze content, but this stanza stood out to me: Of hopes and schemes, of fragrant lies, Of screams and dreams, that paralyze. A shroud of hate, the blackened sun, Drains jubilance from everyone. especially loved those last two lines.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks for the comments

I fixed the 'c' in facade. My text editor substituted it and although i noticed, I didn't pay a lot of attention. Mark, concerning the ";" after ambition. I know I intended for a longer pause but, reviewing the stanza, the following lines do not really support the use of a semi-colon, so I fixed that as well. Thanks again for taking the time to review and comment on my work.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

18 years 2 months ago

On a re-read

I can see how it could be construed as a religious poem. And although I consider myself a person of faith, I do not write religious poems as I view religion as a personal matter. With this piece, aside from trying out a rhythmic and rhyme pattern that, at times, annoyed the hell out of me, I was looking to demonstrate an old, old theme: Some people face adversity differently. As mentioned before, Shrantashol is another poem set in Flatearth and it is the mirror-image of Enderal. I'd written a piece about the road to Enderal called "Each Day I Rise and Count the Sun" and when the first line of this poem popped into my head, I figured it would make a good intro to Shrantashol. But thanks for reading and for commenting. I appreciate any and all feedback.
Jonathan Moore

Jonathan Moore

17 years 3 months ago

Modified 2nd to last line

I replaces "quell" with "crush" because although the word "quell" was a good description of what I wanted to represent, it created a stumble on reading due to the soft syllable ending of "quell" and soft syllable starting of "wistful." I believe "crush," with it's firmer ending creates a better feel in that line. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)
Mark

Mark

17 years 3 months ago

Gee

Hi Pugs.. couldn't believe this popped up ! The inner "s" works much better when I read. For some reason I kept doing a doubble take at quell (kept thinking quill) This is like the reading along a time line of an animation or seems like it would be a great one. If I could ever summarize the sum, I would retire and grow tangerines. Mark