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Barbara Writes
Barbara Writes
Mar 23, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Behind Those Eyes

Behind Those Eyes I see worldly terror Breaking human barrier As the pestilences defeat The strong retreat I see dark eyes Holding back the cries Over the ones laid below Deep within earth fold I see security crumble As economics tumble Uncontrolled excesses Come to a recession I see a global realm Of unhappiness, overwhelmed The masses of lovers Searching for fondness
— Barbara Writes, Mar 23, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Billy Collins, Shakespeare, , Emily Dickinson, , , Whitman, Jess Tapper

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Critiques

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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

May I

make a few minor suggestions Deep within the EARTH"S folds ( possessive use of earth) choice is yours in the end true economics fumble would tumble be an even stronger word The line bring untold success does not seem to fit within the rest of the stanza Of unhappiness overwhelmed your last line finishes weak somewhere along the line you lost your meter this has terrific ideas behind it just needs a little tweaking I'll watch for a rewrite on this unless you choose to leave it as is Chrys
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks Chrys

Barbara Writes thanks for your honesty. I have considered them. Noticed rewrite. Earth fold is positive, tears fall for our love one, but earth fold covers them in sleep of death from this world trouble while awaiting the ressurection. Eventhough we missed them wishing them here. None are suffering as so many do today. positive intentional. overwhelmed was my first thought but changed it. I feel latter is better. "Bring" don't fit,untold sucesses seem to fit for me but I change to uncontrolled sucesses. what idea did you get?
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purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

I didn’t see the original

I didn't see the original version but this is great. The only other tweak I would suggest - again it's up to you - is uncontrolled excesses instead of successes? TO add more impact. This is powerful writing - I love the way this has been crafted. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
Barbara Writes

Barbara Writes

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks kaz

Barbara Writes excesses works perfect. was trying to find a word that meant having more success that necessary to live comfortably while others have very little and struggle because of it.
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poewriter58

18 years 2 months ago

good

nice re write this works thank you for considering changing it at all Chrys