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LC
Lenny of Cohen
Mar 18, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Blood in Black and White

without light
windows
bricked up
derilict
empty
void of care
a reflection
of todays world

people cross the road
people look to the ground
afraid of what they will see
not wanting to hear a sound

man lying there
blood oozing
from a wound
he'd like
to make a sound
only thing is
he's too afraid
to invade upon
the precious time
of those who always
avoid eye contact

man
still lying there
blood
has baptised
his lonely death

and still people
avoid eye contact
and still people
cross the street


his slow and agonised death
a self made monument

without light
windows
bricked up
derilict
empty
void of care

a brutal
reflection
of todays world
in black and white

(C)2008 Lenny Gazbowski

— Lenny of Cohen, Mar 18, 2008

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Country/Region: GBR

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Critiques

RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

Very similar

to a piece that I wrote about a homeless man in my home town. You focused on the image and made certain that it grabbed your reader's brain and held it captive. Brutal, but realistic. Here I go again, irritating spellchecker and grammar hound: first stanza, "dirilect"="derelict" (also found in the final stanza), "todays" is possessive, but missing the apostrophe to demonstrate it "agonised death" - usually the term is "agonising," so I'm not sure which works for you there, just something that caught me eye. hyphenate "self-made" for impact Genereal internal logic questions: People are looking to the ground to avoid seeing him? Isn't he lying on the ground? Something isn't strong enough in the statement "the precious time of those who always avoid eye contact." I don't have a suggestion, it's just a feeling when the line is read. That's it. Shoving my irritating editor back in her box now. ~ Ronda
LC

Lenny of Cohen

18 years 2 months ago

Appreciate

the time and effort put in in your post. I'm not too concerned regarding spelling/grammar, as hopefully the story within the poem will shine through. Maybe I should pay more attention, and will try to remedy that side of my writing. People are looking to the ground to avoid seeing him? By this I meant they were looking directly ahead of them and not to the side! Many thanks, Lenny
RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

Every poet

has their own style and idiosyncracies, many involve spelling and grammar. When I know this about a particular poet, I tend not to focus on them as much...as I will now exercise with you! Your stories always shine through, Lenny. I still find the diction in the line regarding where they are looking a bit confusing, but will take your explanation for what it is. I enjoy your work far too much to nitpick! ~ Ronda
LC

Lenny of Cohen

18 years 2 months ago

Kind Lady!

Ronda, you are making me blush! I appreciate your input, and look forward to more of your insights. Lenny
LC

Lenny of Cohen

18 years ago

Jess, dear friend

I appreciate your positive comments, and am honoured that you enjoy my poetry. My time at Neopoet has been limited due to ongoing health problems and my involvement in organising the Beyond Knowledge Conference, which was a magnificent success ! Check out our website - www.beyond-knowledge.co.uk - ! Jess, I hope you are well, and Life is what you want it to be. Lenny "in the Zen moment"
themoonman

themoonman

18 years ago

Hi Lenny...

I too am a fan of your writing style.. in this piece I see the way the world has become.. bypassing all because we are too busy with our own..brutally true.. thanks for posting.. Richard