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Ice, Water, Steam

1. Ice, Water, Steam There is a largecast iron flat - topgriddle in the kitchenwhere I work.It is enormous, hulking,and its surface can reachto nearly a thousand degrees.I regularly place pots of soupto boil on top of the black iron,reminescent of an oldships hull.About three feet over the metalsits a water spigot.(makes it easier to fill the soup pots)Normally I let the surface coolbefore pouring the waterto clean it.But todayI wanted to see Godfor myself.And so I let loosea gallon of lukewarm waterall over the black - hot iron.It boiled,instantly and violentlypicking up charred black bits of carbon,which were formerly the red peppers and yellow onionsI seared for fajitas.The gallonquickly became a quart,then a brackish black cup,then:nothing.I watched its ghostfloat up, beyond meto the stainless steel hoodthat sucks the greasy airout of our kitchen.I watched the processof evaporation.But then,shock!I looked upto see this water,this same watercondensated up upon the hood,begining it's new life astiny droplets!So let the scoffers scoff,son.And let the mockers mock.I saw resurrection. 2: Ice, Water, God The last part of my dayon Fridaywas to pull items for continental breakfastfrom the freezer.Scones, danish, muffin batters, croissants,a variety of bagelsall to be baked freshMonday morning.As I placed the bagelson their three steel sheet traysI grabbed a tiny handfulof ice,snow really.I clenched my fist tightlyand watched as the water seeped out,first in drops, drips,and then in a streamfalling to the kitchen floor.Tonight Freddie,our night cleaning manwill mop the drips up.They will be combinedwith the soapy mop water,begining their new livesas part of the collective.I wondered how many timesthis water had diedbeen written off,and where the ice came from:was it Ohio ice,or Californian?What greater body of waterdid it come from.So let the doubters doubt,and let the intellectuals give metheir vain intellectual intelligence.I will keep my ice and water and God.  

 

— Conect11, Mar 14, 2008

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RSScheerer

RSScheerer

18 years 2 months ago

Ice, Water, Steam

Fantastic use of metaphors; probably the best I have seen in a long succession of readings. You have definitely taken the subject and approached it from a unique place. From beginning to end, this was a great read. Some suggestions regarding specifics: "to nearly a thousand degrees" - is the "to" necessary? "ships" - do you want the possessive "ship's" used here? "condensated up upon the hood" - this line seems off, possibly the "up upon" causing a redundancy "begining it's new life" - "beginning its new life" "begining their new lives" - "beginning" "What greater body of water did it come from." - did you want a question mark there? All minor editing specifics, mostly questions, as you can see. Beyond these, nothing I could suggest would improve this piece. ~ Ronda
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Conect11

18 years 2 months ago

Thanks Ronda!

I totally breezed too quickly through that, will make the necessary edits. Mark W.
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purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

I wanted to see God

I think I did through your eyes. I really enjoyed reading both poems Mark - absolutely stunning. You 'kept me there'. So let the doubters doubt, and let the intellectuals give me their vain intellectual intelligence. I will keep my ice and water and God. Brilliant. :-) Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.
themoonman

themoonman

18 years 2 months ago

Hi Mark..

Very good..I loved it..it should be eligible for the contest. You say it well..
A

Alobar

18 years 2 months ago

The close of the first was

The close of the first was indeed Shock! You turned it from a fabulous description to a metaphysical piece of gristle to chew on for the rest of the day--thank you. Really put the phrase "another wasted day at the office," that I utter so often into proper perspective. A day is not wasted by others, it is wasted by one's own lazy mind--something you seem to have accomplished to not fall victim. I bow my head.
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Conect11

18 years 2 months ago

thanks all! :)

agree with the necessary edits, for some reason they're not showing here. Contest is scored, congrats to the winners! Mark W.
B

barbsdad2003

17 years 11 months ago

Hey!

So good to see your updated piece. As a narrative, it's brilliant. A few additional tweaks here and there'd probably improve it some. But that said, your gift with narrative can't be beat. (You must know you're really quite an inspiration. And don't bother responding with modesty; it'd be unseemly. Just accept my accolade for its truth.) I'll here repeat: Your gift with narrative cannot be beat Thanx, Chuck
Rett

Rett

17 years 11 months ago

Connect11

You connected. I absolutely loved this. A few tweaks and awesome. I worked in water purification for a while. You managed to convey the fact that every single drop of water we use has been around since the beginning. Always there, always recycled. Wonderful write. Rett: "At twenty, if you are not a Liberal, you have no heart. At Thirty, if you are not a Conservative, you have no brain." Winston Churchill
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Ashfae

17 years 11 months ago

This is wonderful; it caught

This is wonderful; it caught my attention very quickly and kept it, and made me thoughtful, which is something I always enjoy. It's got unique imagery and a wonderful metaphor. Wow. More specific comments: I don't like exclamation points in a poem--that might just be a me thing, but it seems that if the words you're using are strong enough, you don't need gratuitous punctuation. And the words you're using are strong enough without. On the same note I'd take out the "shock!" one line, because the shock and amazement is there without that word; it distracts more than it aids. "and let the intellectuals give me their vain intellectual intelligence." This threw me a bit because it doesn't seem as though you'd accept the "gift" of vain intellectual intelligence. Keep instead of give me, maybe? No, you use that in the next line...hmm, hmm, not sure. The last line is perfect. The subject is perfect. This is a great poem.
weirdelf

weirdelf

17 years 11 months ago

One ! exclaims

!!s is excessive !!!s is psychotic I agree they need to be controlled severely, unruly creatures !s cheers, Jess
infinite_dwarf

infinite_dwarf

17 years 4 months ago

Mark

This is such an amazing piece, with some really memorable lines. My favorites was the section where you said you wanted to see God for yourself, and then further down when you said let the scoffers scoff, I saw a resurrection..... awesome. What would you call a sublimation? (solid to gas) Great writing. ~Jess K. ---------------------------------------------------- -"And he talks to the river of lost love and dedication And silent replies that swirl invitation Flow dark and troubled to an oily sea A grim intimation of what is to be" - Pink Floyd
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Conect11

17 years 4 months ago

I'm humbled!

Thanks Dwarf for taking the time to read and comment on that! Mark W.