Love Lay Down

It's smooth and sensual.Very well done for a beginner.Keep it up. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

now, what I'd love to see is a smoothing of the meter by either establishing a consistent rhythm or a rising and/or falling rhythm. As an example: 1) 7 A - Love lay down across my bed 2) 8 A - caress the curls from my forehead 3) 9 A - with gentle hands let the thrills be spread 4) 8 A - O, love lay down across my bed. 5) 7 B - Eyes that beam so like the sun 6) 9 B - when I behold you my soul’s undone 7) 8 B - for with your gaze my heart is won, 8) 8 B - O, eyes that beam so like the sun. Where "1)" is the line number, "7" is the syllable count and "A" is the rhyme scheme. I like a rising rhythm but I feel shifting from 7 to 8 to 9 causes the reader to stumble and detracts from the imagery you are building. This is compounded in stanza 2 as the shift is placed differently. I'm suggesting the following: 1) 7 A - Love lay down across my bed 2) 8 A - caress the curls from my forehead 3) 8 A - with gentle hands let joy be spread 4) 8 A - O, love lay down across my bed. 5) 7 B - Eyes that beam so like the sun 6) 8 B - I look at you, my soul’s undone 7) 8 B - for with your gaze my heart is won, 8) 8 B - O, eyes that beam so like the sun. I clipped a word ("the") in line 2 and substituted "joy" for "thrills" as "thrills" speaks to lust and "joy" to passion. Also I substituted "I look at you" for "when I behold you" and added a comma between it and the remainder of the line. This was to clip a syllable in the line and to create a pause to emphasize the latter part of the line. I do enjoy the modification of the 1st line as the last line of a stanza and I believe this work has a lot of potential. I would love to see it once you took it back to the shop and knocked the dents out.

I can't really get any more indepth than Pugilist above so I shant try! I'd just suggest that you put a proper space between the stanzas, it'd be easier to read and more enjoyable. Oh actually I would maybe have a look at you ending words on each line, there's a lot of repetition there, especially, heart and bed. If you decide to change these and are having trouble coming up with rhymes, you may want to think about losing the rhyme scheme altogether as it would be a shame to detract from the meaning and sense of the piece just so that it rhymes. Just some thoughts, and welcome to the site!!! Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week

I have nothing to add to Pugilist and Kieran's advice, (which is excellent) except that I loved the subject mattter and I want to welcome you to the site, too! Cat