Night

a very short, dark, and effective piece. only one thing though. in my opinion the last line should be "Another reason FOR nature to wonder" rather than "at". but I like it.

Nice piece for the most part, but Sorry, but I agree with dhruv on this point. (or... "another reason to wonder at nature")? Cat

I'm sorry but I wasn't a huge fan. For one thing, I think it's too short, it doesn't feel finished. Also the 4th line doesn't, for me, read well in any way. It's just too long and out of place with the rest of the piece. It may be due to the fact the poem is so short, that the problem is highlighted more, but really, it is a bit long. You may want to split it up into two, although that would compromise your rhyme scheme. Kieran "Mind, how you go!" - Roger McGough's poem for LSD Awareness Week

But if you're going to use it, use it to support your work, to imbue meaning. if you establish a structure and then break it, your work can seem confused because you are asking the reader to make allowances. You've got an interesting presentation and I believe, with a modification, the breaking of the structure on the last line can be very effective. This is your poem as I scan it: 1) 06 A - Dark sea of depth unknown 2) 09 A - that silence and evil call their own; 3) 10 B - evil though, the greedier of the two. 4) 18 B - A big one and tiny eyes yonder staring down, relentlessly at you: 5) 11 X - Another reason at Nature to wonder. Where "1)" is the line number, "06" is the syllable count, "A" is a rhyme pattern and "X" is an intentionally unrhymed line. By any stretch of structure, you've squeezed two lines onto line 4. Additionally, if you decide to use a rhyming pattern it will flow best if the rhyming lines are within 1 syllable of each other, 2 at the most. Any more than that and you begin to create a break in the natural expectation of the pattern. I would love to see you take this and even it out, or lose the rhyme pattern and go for a structureless environment. I would also revisit the last line to give it a stronger statement and less jarring grammatically. But, I enjoyed the subject matter and believe you have a good command of how to express your vision. I am really looking forward to a revised copy.

Being so short it does not really say that much, but leaving that aside the variable line syllable numbers and rhyme scheme don't really help you. I agree with the comments on the last line (should be "to reason at nature"). But really it should rhyme with "you" to run smoothly. May be "nature's view! or something similar. Line 4 is way too long. Something like: "Saucer eyes staring relentlessly at you" would bring it more into line so the poem keeps its flow. Keith

I have no problem with the length but I did stumble a bit a the second last line I like to think I understood it (a giant black sea & starlit sky is what I saw as I read it) But maybe not. I think it's beautiful kudos =)