Electric Blue

Mar 07, 2008 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Snake

From a distance,

hidden from view

I feel his eyes upon me

as he stalks his prey

Then in a flash

before me he's there

he stops me in my tracks

I am frozen in the night air

Before I knew where I was

He was with me?

His eyes pieced through me

deep down to my very soul

He was at my throat

such sweet surrender

as he caressed my skin

his teeth sank into my breast

not drawing any blood

He slithered down over my body

as he coiled himself around me

from head to toe

leaving no part of me

untouched

Sliding over my saturated skin

the sensation of him

the essence of him

shared in the mystry

of our love

such sweet surrender

This man is totally mine

— Electric Blue, Mar 07, 2008

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Calliope

18 years 3 months ago

I loved this poem!

Dark and seductive,it really caught me up.A couple of suggestions though,if you don't mind. In the second stanza I think it would flow better[IMO]if it went like this: In a flash he was before me He stopped me in my tracks And I froze in the night air. Just my opinion, and 'mystery'is spelled wrong. Also the line 'before I knew where I was He was with me,His eyes peirced through me,Deep down to my very soul,'The two 'me's' tie the toungue a bit ,try: Before I knew where I was, He was right there with me, His eyes peircing deep, Down to my very soul, This was a beautiful peice and my opinions are just that.You don't have to take My advice,it's just my meager opinion.Keep up the good work,for I look forward to more. Lacy, Where power corrupts,poetry cleanses.

Electric Blue

16 years 5 months ago

Snake

Hi Calliope welcome - I have just joined this site in the last few week still trying to find my way around This piece is of a passionate moment so intence you are so lost but the anticipation and climax and downfall - for me then deserted after three years for something younger hence he is the Snake. I take on all comments I do not plan to write anything a moment comes it just flow from my pen until it is completed then i read whatever i have written and 99% i never change anything. It is all from teh heart and soul look forwards to reading some of yours when i get to grips finding my way around this site Maggie R

orgami

18 years 3 months ago

serpents sluice

command you for this poem of language eased and tendered given wound round delightful reading to my minds eye more and more these Neopoet poets give much weather to old salts like I O

Electric Blue

16 years 5 months ago

Snake

Hi Orgami welcome - as you see i have joined this site in the last few weeks so still trying to find my way around. Well my friend you related well to my poem and i feel you too have experienced such a passionate intence moment. From you picture do is see a gentle soul but also a passionate being who too was hurt I see the pain in your soul. Well this was a moment to remenber re the anticipation the climax and the downfall of a three year relationship and then dumped for somethng younger spirits like me the love of the mountains the woods just with the elements thank you my friend I never plan to write the pen moves and it just flows until it is completed But of course i am open to any suggestions so i can look at the piece again to try and improve always learning from others I look forward to reading some of your poetry my friend ps I too am an old soul in body mind heart spirit but forever young maggie R

professor

18 years 3 months ago

Snake charmer

Its a beautiful and seductive poem Maggie. My only slight niggle is that you mix the imagery between some kind of wolf-like animal and a snake and perhaps you could stick with the snake all the way through because that is the image which comes out the strongest. That would, for example, change things to: "as he slides towards his prey" "his mouth locks into my breast" (cant use fangs that would not be good..lol) Hope you see what I mean anyway. Keith

Electric Blue

16 years 5 months ago

Snake

Hi professor welcome again Well my pen flows until it is completed then i read from what i have written from teh emotions i experience. Story behind the poem. Betrayal of love A love of three years then dumped for a younger something. Well the anticipation the climax the downfall of being one with the universe then tossed aside by the preditor. but also in the discarding of his pray so Snake he was but i do see the Wolf in him too. I love the mountains and the spirit of the woods and live there just with the elements Thank you my freind still trying to find my way around Maggie R

themoonman

18 years 3 months ago

Hello...

This is a stunning poem..I loved the ending...the charmed become the charmed..well done..glad to have the chance to read your work...

Electric Blue

16 years 5 months ago

Snake

Hi Moonman welcome From your picture i feel you too are from the mountains and the woods of which i love you look like a soulful spirit who has also experience a moment like this but also i see the pain and sorrow deep in your soul I feel you related well to this moment and i hope it made you smile with the last line. Poets and spirit of the woods are we. Even though tossed aside for a younger Age is just a number it is what we are gentle spirits find other spirits some gentle but also wild. Maggie R

eric ashford

18 years 3 months ago

“I take on all comments

"I take on all comments but for me there will be no change i cannot change a workd or remove a word or the poem would be lost." The above statement is clearly nonsense. If you are going to be so precious about your poems then you had better not request "the raw truth" for you will get both positive and negative feeback, and if you are not open to suggestion you should choose a different choice from the drop down list at the head of the page. I found the poem interesting but would revise and prune it. However, since you are reluctant to change one word, it would be pointless to review this work seriously. Welcome to the site Maggie I hope you take the opportunity to get the most out of it. All the best eric

purplemoondoll

18 years 2 months ago

Now this my friend is

Now this my friend is awesome. Seduction, emotion, fatal attraction. Every sense left tingling by the end. Absolutely stunning. One thing I would diagree with is UK grammar.. I am from the Uk and it has never been a problem for me here. A very well executed poem IMHO. Kaz It's impossible to smile on the outside without feeling better on the inside.

Electric Blue

18 years 2 months ago

snake

Hi Kaz Thank you for sharing my journey it is easier when the instance is a real experience but it too was magical extremely seductive animalistic but tender was the night hugs maggie R