When the Sky is but an Illusion

Thanks greatly for your review and comment. The 3rd stanza has been a favourite with folks who've reviewed this. For the most part I work in an exact meter and structure and this poem was an experiment in a difficult structure. I appreciate you taking the time to review and comment.

Thank you very much for your kind comments. I have to admit the 4th stanza nails down the meaning of the poem for me, giving resolution. But I will take any praise I can get. Thanks again for you review and comments.

It looks like we're accenting different part of the words in question. For me it's: “Across the LANDscape, A plight” and “Across the FISsure, A squall” to create a rising and falling pattern and establish a sense of urgency in the meter. But to me, poetry is art and art is communication. If I did not communicate sufficiently with you, the fault is mine. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment on my work, it is greatly appreciated.

Thank you very much for your time and comments

I appreciate you taking the time to review my work

Thanks for your review and comment. That's two (2) people who have mentioned an issue with that line. I will take another look at it.

Thank you very much for your kind comments. The next poem I post will be a major shift in subject matter though still will be very structured. I would be interested in your views of it.

I appreciate you taking the time to review and comment on my work. This poem was an experiment in a constrained structure and even though I was pleased with the result it is satisfying to see others have enjoyed it as well.

And we actually agree, I've just not quite succeeded in communicating it correctly. When I talk about "not giving a shit" it does not reflect people who post their work and are open to review and possible change, it reflects people who post their work and refuse to consider any critique and respond that they are done with a piece and it's up to the writer to "figure it out" or who defend their work and spend more time justifying the errors than they ever did writing. Those people and I will never get along. A lot of the poetry I write is like a puzzle in my mind and there are pieces that fit correctly and make the work complete and there are pieces that are close but do not complete the work. Sometimes that's evident in a matter of minutes, sometimes that takes a decade. My point is that if something does not scan right, the writer must fix it when they find the correct word or phrase or pacing or punctuation or whatever and if they do not, well, it's lazy and puts more onus on the reader. But I fully understand different poets write in different manners and different styles and some of the folks I respect most here write both in a wildly different style and process. But their work shows thought and planning and they are open to suggestions and critique and thus are a solid member of the community. But, for this piece, since I harp on others I wanted to show that I hold myself to the same standards. I see another point has been raised below so I will need to review and consider and determine if I might find a balance between the way I hear the work and the way others are doing so and smooth out the areas causing stumbles. And as I plan to publish this in June, I'd best get on it. But I appreciate your thoughts and comments and welcome your point of view. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)

I took a harder look at the lines in questions and tried to put my mind in the same to which place you and Kieran are referring and, hopefully, was able to see your point. I believe the problem is word-choice because not all syllables are created equally and upon slowing down and trying to understand what was happening, I felt "landscape" and "fissure" just did not have the right mouth-feel and were setting up too harsh a transition between the ending syllables of the first part of the line and the beginning syllables of the next and thus were creating the stumble you and Kieran had indicated. So I am trying words with a softer transition. My initial reaction is a smoother read but as I had to be beat over the head on this I would honestly appreciate your feedback. --Jonathan Annoying the world, one person at a time (Group discounts available)